Thursday, March 17, 2011

Close The Deal

One of the surprising things about online dating that was cast in sharp focus over time was the ability of men to talk endlessly about sex and not do anything about it. There is an urban myth that men on the internet are just there for sex. I reply with sadness that this simply isn't true. Be not afraid, Single Girl, of lecherous males on the internet, your virtue is safe! It reminds me of the old adage of animals in the forest "They are more afraid of you, than you are of them".

I have emails from men that list desires, positions, outfits, etc. but none have the ability to actually close the deal. Closing the Deal is the least talked about and most needed element in online dating. Nothing can happen if we don't meet. Any fool knows this, or at least, I thought that fools know this ...but apparently not.
Take, for example, "whiteviking67" who called a girl to his apartment to have sex, only to jerk off before she got there, fall asleep on the couch and miss her calls when she was out in the lobby. She left in frustration. I ask you, Dear Reader, was it good for you?

Take Heed, Single Girl. A man who can not put down firm plans to meet you for a drink has bigger problems that you need to be exposed to. He could be married, a convict or lack a car. It's the same with a man who posts pics wearing sunglasses and a hat. Are you in disguise? Is this a riddle? Do I care? The answer is no.
According to The Rules, a man should ask you out in 4 messages (and some experts say he should do it in only two) or else you should delete him and any other follow up correspondence. Closing The Deal involves asking for your number and then calling you. Texts messages do not count if he wants to be taken seriously. Double negative if he repeatedly texts during work hours. Is he not employed? This is a red flag. Late night texts are booty calls. Delete upon receipt. You can have a purely sexual relationship with someone that doesn't involve treating you like a prostitute.

I have a multitude of men who text me to death during work hours. I write "Busy at work. Call after 5?" and suddenly there isn't quite so much noise anymore. A man who can't follow up with a phone call or text after work is a DUD. Buffer your ego, Single Girl, because here's the truth: He just wasn't into you enough to close the deal...or to call after 5. You aren't missing out on anything. Better luck next time.

I have many men who text on Thursday and Friday evening for a date. They tend to be good looking because only good looking guys can get away with behaviour like that. But they can't do it with me. Here's the secret: They always try again. Saying no to a last minute date usually guarantees that he will try harder next time. It certainly guarantees that there will be a next time. Men love a challenge. Take, for example, that handsome European who was irritating me during work hours. I wrote my usual "Busy at work. Call after 5?" and here is what he responded: "yeah, I'm busy too. call me when your done"
Hmmm.. that's an interesting response. It's a far cry from what I said, of course, but every guy has to take a shot I guess. Since I would never call a man I wasn't married to - for any reason - I got a follow up text the following Friday. "Hey I thought you were going to call me when you finished work?"
I felt like asking: Really? What made you think that? The fact that you told me to do so? You are a complete stranger, and your instructions mean nothing to me, you arrogant son of a bitch...etc. But what I want you to notice, Single Girl, is that he thought about it for a week. I may not have called him, but he that didn't stop him from thinking about me...heh.

I responded that I was busy, of course. Then he followed up with my favorite last ditch effort to regain control: "Well I'm leaving for [insert exciting destination] on the [insert date] and so we won't be able to meet after that." Sometimes this sounds like "my schedule is really crazy" or "I'm all over the place". All of these are designed to rush you into meeting with him on his whim. Do not fall for it. It is a red flag. Most importantly, It is a lie. He is not interested in building a relationship with you, not even a sexual one. It is the male equivalent of the female who only calls you when she needs something.
"Hi. Can I borrow your new black pants?"
"Are you good with Excel mail merges?"
"Do you want to buy a magazine subscription for my daughter's school budget drive?"
This woman is not your friend, she is merely someone you met at work.
You don't need to be exposed to a manipulative person to get a date. A benefit of online dating is the sheer abundance of eligible people. The next step is finding one who wants to close the deal.

I get a lot of flak from unmarried women about The Rules who are either dating or in relationships with men . These women get angry that I think their men are not going to marry them, and I think this because it is true. Your man may marry you but if you strong-armed him down the aisle then it hardly counts. I have girls who gave their men ultimatums - at which point the man capitulated - but that is hardly how I am going to make the most important decision of my life. Where is the dignity in that? You may have a date for New Year's but he won't pour the champagne for you. You'll have to do it. I have seen this with my own eyes.

Single Girl, you can not make anyone fall in love with you. It just happens. No matter how sweet or loving or how much you do for him, this is not a negotiable position. You can't fake love or force love. You can not convince him to love you. Stop trying. Trying is the opposite of effortless. Closing the Deal is proof that he likes you. If he can't do this, then he doesn't like you. Just date other men who can Close the Deal.

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