Thursday, May 19, 2011

Single Girls Don't Text

Based on the below story, I have decided that no texting is the right amount of texting.
This man wrote 2 messages, got my number and then sent me a text early in the week that said something along the lines of "hi. How are you?". Since I find that question boring and really strange that a complete stranger would care how I am, I decided - in a fit of pique - to delete it unanswered.
Now the fascinating thing, and I think I have mentioned this before, is that a man will relentlessly pursue a completely strange woman as long as she keeps running away from him. This minute she makes herself available, he loses interest. No, it's stronger than that. He not only loses interest, he begins to run in the opposite direction. So I got a follow up text message on Saturday afternoon and he wrote,

"sorry I haven't had time to call works crazy. how are you?"

Let's diagram this sentence, shall we? Lack of punctuation and lower case letters indicate to me that this man is without confidence and kind of slumps through life. He is probably overweight and explains always his ineptitude by saying that he is "laid back". No, you are lazy and lack ambition. It seems like you can't even handle whatever minimum wage job your parole officer managed to get you. He admits in the text that the proper thing to do is call, but he has an excuse. Excuses are not a good place to start. Excuses aren't my problem. We all know you would run towards a free beer. I am offering the chance to meet a real live girl and still you stall? Are you taking birth control pills by mistake that are reducing your testosterone? Finally, again with the "how are you?". Really? You are starting to sound simple. Plus, it's Saturday; obviously I'm busy. Stop being an opportunist. You just proved that you don't have plans on a Saturday night and are scraping the bottom of the barrel for a booty call. (say that 10 times fast).
I deleted it.

Two hours later, he CALLED for the first time and left a message. I was busy. I deleted the message. On Monday, he reverted back to basics and sent a note online. He mentioned that he called and left a message and asked if I still wanted to meet up. Hmmm...Slow down, Champ! I never once said that I wanted to meet up. I gave you my number with the idea that you would call me. We can discuss meeting once I hear the sound of your voice. This is not an unreasonable request. You are looking for a sure thing, and the minute I say yes, you will back off saying "Slow Down Sister!". Yes, I know this dance.

So I wrote back the following:
Got your message
Call after 5

Did he call me that day? No. He waited until the following day and called at 6:30 pm. I picked up, said Hello and he HUNG UP. The phone rang a moment later and he said - this was his opening gambit and god bless him - "I don't know how to say your name". You tried to call me for a week. you have been revving yourself up for 7 days for this moment and when the moment hang up, call back and then ask how to pronounce the girl's name? Are you functionally retarded? Do you need to wear a helmet?

He had nothing to say. He asked me "How are you?" three times without ever hearing the answer. I finally said with a sigh, "you asked me that already" and he said, "oh, I did?". I asked how he was doing and he told me had insomnia and was tired. (Single Girl, I can not stress enough how important first impressions are. You must always frame yourself as normal and engaged in life.) So now I have the image of a fat, lazy, tired asshole in my mind. Without "how are you?" to fall back on, there were many long pauses. Mostly he just kept throwing out quiz-like questions: Where do you live? What's the address? Where do you work? What's the address? etc. Then I would ask him the same question, he would give me a one-word answer that sounded like a lie and back to silence where he would yawn out loud into the receiver.

He mentioned that he sold his house because his previous relationship had broken up. Who the fuck cares? If I thought you were capable of owning property, we would be having a different conversation. He said "I'm a musician. I don't know if you remember that from my profile". Whoa, Egoiste! What on earth made you think I took time out of my busy GO train ride to "read your profile". Since we all know how I feel about artists, I had heard enough. After 3 minutes I said I had to go and I hung up. I couldn't make it the full 5 minutes. He was a dud. The conversations stalled because he didn't get to the point. We both know that he called to ask me out and then lost his nerve. Without a purpose, the conversation died on the vine. It's not up to me to revive it. It doesn't work that way.

By not texting, I did not waste any energy trying to laboriously get to know this fat, lazy, broke insomniac. He texted and he called until he finally got me on the phone and I never gave it a second thought. After all that work, he could have put his best foot forward and yet he CHOSE not to do so. He yawned, he farted around with the conversation and I already know I make more money than him. And yes, Single Girl, it does matter. I wish The Rules had covered texting, so until they do I have taken matters into my own hands and removed texting from my phone

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