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Friday, October 14, 2011

Do you have a Porsche? (or, Putting a Price on the Relationship)

The Rules advise that you only need to post one picture for Online Dating. One good shot of your smiling face is more than enough. If they want more, they can meet you. But of course, this was before Facebook and iPhones. A single picture today is not good enough and men openly complain about it. Men forget they are dealing with a live women and begin to treat the process like they are ordering pizza.
The following is an actual exchange with a 40-year-old man:

Hi there!
Nice pictures and profile. I guess that goes without saying...seeing as though I'm sending you a message and all. We might have a perfect scenario here. I live in High Park and very much like VQD's but other things even more... This is the part where I shut up and see if you like mine as much as I like yours.
Cheers,
John

This is great note from John. He gets to right to the point (i.e meeting for Date Zero: a simple drinks date). Everything is right track, yes? You can almost hear wedding bells, yes? ...keep reading...

Hi John
Love to meet for a quick drink
Elle

No sexy psycho-babble for A Rules Girl. I'm busy. I only have time for serious enquiries and since he seems serious I took the time to write back with a "yes". There can be no confusion, there is no drama; if he intends to take yes for an answer he can figure it out from here.

Hi Elle,
Good to see we are on the same program. same program?
The drink is going to have to wait for a few days. Wait... What?
I'm just on my way to Sudbury for the weekend for some R&R and then a few days of work around there. Wait... Why do you think I care about your weekend plans if they don't include me?
Until then I guess we could exchange a few emails. sorry?
Mine is xxxdouchbaggery.ass
Would love to see a couple more pictures of you if that's cool. Oh! I get it! You want to masturbate in your parent's basement.
Have a great weekend. I will, John, I will! Thanks for being an honest douchebag, John!
John

The thing about single guys who aren't available on the weekend is that they are really married. With wives. And kids. And huge mortgage payments. And a flaccid penis' that need Viagra. And other internet girlfriends. The only thing that you need to know from this message is that he has no intention of meeting you. The Rules call what he is doing "bookmarking". He is tempting you with the possibility of perhaps maybe in the future sometime meeting you to keep the lines of communication open and the sexy pictures coming. All without even volunteering his phone number or asking for yours. It's so transparent: He could not even be clear about how long his weekend was going to be or how many days he was going to "work" there.

The unspoken threat is, maybe I will meet you for a drink, but only if you are very photogenic. (And even then, probably not) I have my own phrase for this. I call it "Putting a Price on The Relationship" and it always swings in favour of the man. He will provide very little and you will bear the true cost of the relationship. He gave you NO information whatsoever but be careful, Single Girl, because he desperately wants something from you. He wants to exchange more pictures. We all know what that means, right? Like a sociopath who collects panties from his victims, this man wants to collect sexy pictures as a trophy from the unsuspecting women on the internet. Mostly to masturbate and probably to show other frustrated husbands at the annual guys weekend so he can feel good about his sad small life.

I hate when strangers ask me for things, but I always know exactly how to handle it...

Ask for something back!

Hi John
Do you have a Porsche?
I would happily exchange a sexy pic for one of you and your brand new Porsche
Or just a pic of your bank statement will be great
Thanks!
Elle

The Rules advise that you delete this person immediately.
But I say, the correct answer to a mouthbreather who wants something is to happily ask for something in return. Since we are now "negotiating" rather than getting to know each other, ask for anything you want. You can not damage the relationship, there never was one.