The more the I do The Rules, the more I find women trying to date me. No, my attraction to females has not increased. My behaviour has changed and so has my perception. I initially wanted to write this blog about the difficulty of maintaining adult female relationships in the City. But the topic does not have any more legs than the sentence I just wrote, so I got depressed and never wrote it. Let me explain: my female relationships used to be my prime motivator in life. I never thought for a second that men who hold such an important part of my world. And they still don't. It's not that I am not into men. I am. This blog is proof positive that I find the human male very fascinating. Plus, I get more action than the average single Catholic woman in the suburbs and that is saying something. And they are very fun.
I am just not in a committed relationship. But the females around me? Not the same.
Not the same at all.
Which brings me to women who want to date me. Often I meet a woman who wants to have lunch/ brunch/ drinks/ dinner/ movie/ Broadway show/shopping with me. And I always smile and say thank you and try to be as encouraging as I can. I really want to do these things. But then...between work/school/ sleep/ house cleaning/ Christmas and summer vacation there somehow never seems to be enough time to make a new female friend. This is not to say that these women do not have time for their boyfriends, they do. They just don't put such a high priority on maintaining women friends. Certainly not the same kind of priority that men make in maintaining theirs. Case in point: I once worked with a woman in her 20s who left work early to "help her boyfriend take a shower" after he got in a bar fight the night before. There are so many things wrong with this decision. Am I really going to have anything in common with the woman who makes this kind of choice?
Women are expected to carry a heavy burden in relationships. Between working, taking care of the home and raising children, the first thing to suffer is the time she may have taken to build relationships outside her immediate circle. And there is an unspoken agreement that women like me are supposed to simply accept this as a normal course of the "friendship". As a result, women who are not completely occupied with the male in their life (like me!) collect a variety of one-time wholly-unsatisfying experiences with otherwise normal women who can not commit to a weekly brunch or monthly reading club because she is "too busy". Too busy being the driving force in a one-sided relationship. It's exhausting to watch. It's also sad. The conversation circles around the man, even when he is not there. And circles around her problems with the man. Her endlessly stupid problems. Or her sex life. Her endlessly unsatisfying sex life.
In short, this women is a bad date. While it is very important to have women friends. It's not at the risk of potentially being dumped by one. And as much as she likes you, if she's straight she won't marry you, and so you will be dumped the minute the man in her life needs something, anything... Mark my words, You will be dumped. But you knew that, right? You already saw this coming....
Okay, Smarty Single, here comes my most important point...
She is also setting a bad example. The Rules advise that "we only love those who love us". Therefore, your dream man is the one who is calling you, not the one you are chasing. You don't need to be a doormat to have a relationship, although I admit it helps to get you in the door. Then again, is this really a relationship...? IF the woman who wants to date you can not "commit" to even simple things: who plans everything by text message, who is always late with a silly excuse... then what kind of relationship do you think she has built with "her man". (Because he always has that title, am I right? He is NEVER her actual husband)
In short, women that I respect and who value my precious time are rare indeed. Which is exactly what The Rules teaches us to look for in men.
My mother said something interesting to me the other day....
I was complaining about yet another female who wanted to be married...badly.
And how any man would do.
I began to stutter and choke because I literally could not find the right words.
I said "It's not like...like...."
and my mother said - simply and quietly - "....like she wants to make him happy?"
And I was struck because that was it. Exactly.
I used to always focus on the fact that these girls were "so amazing"; I mourned bitterly how they were throwing what they had away on someone who does not appreciate it; someone who can not respect - who can not SEE - them the way I do.
And it occurred that to me that I have been biased in a pretty typical way.
She can't see him either.
She has no interest in "making him happy" the way you feel when you are actually in love.
She just wants to get married.