Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Date#55 - Worst Date in 2011. Period.

This guy got my number and then called me. He was from BC. He sounded fairly normal on the phone but got sidetracked by a long story about... not sure what. He didn't get to the point after 5 minutes so I got off the phone. He sent me a text the following day acknowledging his nerves got the better of him and tried arranging a date. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. However a single girl should never text and this is why: things started to bog down (i.e. Date, Time, Location); he couldn't quite make the plunge, so I deleted his messages. This got his attention enough to force his hand, and he planned a date at a tequila bar on Ossington. However, it took way too long and I began to smell a rat. Text messages always leave me cold.

He texted again in the early afternoon of date day to confirm. Which would have been great if he hadn't also asked me to describe myself. Never describe yourself by text if your pic is posted online. It will either be too modest and sound ugly or too good and sound insincere. It's a waste of time. Besides, He was trying to talk himself out of it and I should have let him. Instead I told him not to be nervous and that he would recognize me.

What showed up was a greasy thinning-haired "creative director" with a huge chip on his shoulder. He did not offer to buy me a drink. This date was terrible because he was deliberately impolite. He spoke without moving his jaw, which is totally unnerving and it indicates a very guarded nature. Men who can not move their mouths make bad lovers.

He was into rapid-fire, cleverly random conversation. Example: "It's like that episode of Perry Mason. Except without the milkshakes." It was entirely developed to keep the other person off balance. It created a lot of awkward silences...only he found himself very entertaining. Topics included: planes that use slip'n'slides to land, the marketing genius of Red Bull and his travels to Australia. If I tried to join in (as in, "I like Australia") he would immediately begin bashing the topic. For example, he ordered a tequila and tomato juice. He then went into a long story about how tequila tastes better with tomato juice as if he had invented it. When I agreed with him, saying I liked it with Clamato juice, he began to choke and spit saying it was disgusting, etc. This guy was clearly raised by wolves. Very embarrassing.

After 10 minutes of this I told him that I wasn't quite as clever and that it was getting stressful trying to keep up. And for five full minutes he acted like a genuine human being. He turned his body toward me, he spoke slowly and clearly and I warmed up. Then I made the mistake of asking what he did for a living after he told a long work-related story. At this point, the giant chip on his shoulder grew back and he mocked me for asking. I just stared at him in silence and he mumbled some job description. I can't help you if you are embarrassed by your job, boyo. That's your deal.

When the bartender cleared my first drink, I ordered water. Something about this enraged him. He said accusingly, "You switched to water fast. Why aren't you drinking". I looked at my water curiously because I was under the impression that drinking water was still an acceptable practice in Canada. "I'm still drinking. I'm just drinking water" ... Then I paused, and said "What was your real question?"

This broke him.

He squared his body to the bar, gripped the edge of the bar with both hands and seemed to control an angry outburst like the Incredible Hulk. He turned to me while grabbing his coat and said "I'm going to shove off now." I said "Ok!" with a smile. He began to make a long explanation but my eyes were drifting around the bar, "Good!" I said sweetly, cutting him off. Then I turned my back to him and picked up phone to check my messages. This caused an abrupt attitude change. He became warm and engaging again. "So...", he said "I understand you've been to 31 countries..,".

"We covered that" I said distractedly tapping at my phone.

"No, but where else would you like-" and at that point I gently put my hand over my ear and blocked his noise. He disappeared.

Full Disclosure: This date was nowhere near me, causing me to arrive early and pay for my own drink. No! This date was planned by text. Double No! This man was immediately argumentative. Triple No!

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