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Thursday, January 5, 2012

Date#40: No, I won't have a threesome with you...and your best friend.

Dear Reader, I have been keeping a secret. For the past year I have enjoyed the perfect FWB relationship. For those of you who don’t know, FWB stands for “Friends with Benefits” and if you are still unclear, please Google it. Of course, this has nothing to do with The Rules, just the natural evolution of a girl on the internet. I met him through a regular date and the rest just followed naturally.

Now, let me take a moment to explain my position on this issue: I love sex. No, I don’t do it all the time because I am not a sex addict; but I believe that one is healthier, happier and wiser if sex is not something you are constantly craving. Done correctly, good sex is sacred. It deserves to be honored. This is difficult within the FWB parameters, but once this balance is found it should not be fucked with (pardon the pun).

Some of my personal rules when achieving FWB:
1) Never try and do this while you have feelings for someone else. Don’t be idiot. You will end up needy and hurt and crying after sex. Not a good look, Single Girl.
2) Never try and do this if you have actual feelings for your FWB. Don’t be an idiot. He is never going to honestly consider you girlfriend or wife material. Yes, we have all heard the urban legend about the “exceptions” to this rule, but I have never met one. Have you?
3) Don’t let it last more than a year or you will develop feelings for each other. You are not robots.

I met Date # 40 in January 2011. He wrote me a note, asked for my number and then started texting. I asked him to “call me after 5” and to my surprise, he did. He was charmingly shy but we managed to agree on a place near me. We met for a simple drinks date. He was very handsome (i.e. He looked a bit like Henry Rollins) and he was decent and kept the conversation clean; I was intrigued. He asked me to his place 2 nights later and because we started sleeping together almost immediately, I did not feel correct about blogging about him. I do have some limits. He was handsome (did I mention that?), well-employed, with his own home and a strong friendship base and a close relationship with both his parents. He was kind, quiet and most of all he was very normal. He never did anything or said anything that put me off. Occasionally he was even funny. Jackpot, right?

Our relationship was never exclusive but that was okay with me. I did not have the right amount of chemistry with him to pursue a real relationship. Besides, that is not how Rules girls work. He made the offer of sex, not a relationship and you have the option of saying Yes, or No. Rules Girls know that there is no way to force a man into a relationship. And so I made my choice. I said Yes to what he was offering with my eyes wide open. He was just really … quiet. He did not seem to have any other interests other than working out and …working.

Which is great.

It’s just not that interesting enough for me to invest all my time. I took this to mean he was not that smart. Or, he might have had thoughts but he did not want to discuss. Who am I to judge? Like I said, I just wanted a normal clean cut guy to fit into my life as needed. We weren’t getting married. Besides, it allowed me to be quiet too and that was very relaxing. While he was not very good in bed, he made up for this with his enthusiasm. It was just what I needed and I loved it. I treasured it. I never bragged about it. I never blogged about it. I always looked my best when I saw him. I always let him take the lead and it encouraged him to become better. Toward the end of the year we were really in sync.

I was so happy with this arrangement that I was getting ready to write a blog post about it. I was going to crow with excitement about how I had the perfect “friends with benefits” relationship. But I am glad I didn’t, because right after Christmas I rec’d the following message from him:

Hey Elle I forgot I don't have your number so can't call you back. I have my best friend over for his birthday tonight, he's a 6'5 good looking dude if you wanted to stop anyway...no pressure he's just dropped his daughter off in Texas as lonely spending his birthday and holidays with me tonight. Two good looking dudes for you tonight if you are interested, might be an interesting experience for you just food for thought. I'll leave you his number so we can text if you don't wanna talk 415-123-4567

My first thought was, “Wow, I was not aware that he could convey more than a simple thought at once! He is smarter than I thought! That’s really hot!”
My second thought was, “Oh! He’s gay and this is how he chose to tell me!”
My third thought was, “Wow! That’s pretty dangerous! How do I know they wouldn’t record what happened and put it on the Internet?”

Which is why I did it first.

Full Disclosure: No. I did not respond. Only after I blocked him, changed my screen name and my picture did I manage to feel normal again. I am deeply disappointed that he treated me like a hooker at a biker rally and tried to pass me around to his friend(s). But I am way more upset that he was so casual with my phone number. It’s insulting that he wouldn’t take the time to write it down. He wasn’t as normal as I thought.

Fuller Disclosure: So a week later I called the best friend and slept with him. Oddly, the best friend had no idea about what happened. My profile is now blocked from Date#40 but he still stares at it. I can tell because he is always at the top of the “Who’s Viewed Me” list every morning when I check my messages. He changed his profile too. It now says that he is looking for a proper girlfriend, rather than friends with benefits. And I am sure he can have anyone in the world. Just not me.

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