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Friday, February 17, 2012

Date#59 - February 9


This man saw my profile asked for my number and sent me a text at 11:30am on a Monday morning. It was straight-forward, polite and got to the point immediately. I liked the tone of text so I got back to him at the dot of noon and we arranged a simple drinks date in record time. It was the most simple text conversation I have ever had with a stranger. As often happens, I receive a large volume of online messages between dates and I forget what my potential suitor looks like by the night of the date. I walked into my local pleasantly surprised by the man I met. For starters, he was already there. For lasters, he stood up to greet me and gave me a virtuous little peck on the cheek.

And he had already finished his first rum and coke. Uh oh.

I pretended like I couldn’t smell liquor on his breath and sat down while he ordered our drinks. His second and my first. He was nervous and began to rapid-fire question me. The Rules advise that a woman must set the pace for the relationship. I had to remind myself to breathe between answers. While a man certainly deserves honesty, he doesn’t need a long explanation on every issue within 10 minutes of meeting you. The way to thwart an oncoming alpha male attack is to break eye contact. Do not look around the room, this will further threaten him. Just demurely look down at your drink and smile gently. I had to do this a number of times to remind myself to slow down, and stop talking and gather my thoughts. This is especially true if you have any chemistry at all with a man. The human animal is built to telegraph this interest right away. This kills the mystery. Taking a moment to slow down the pace will avoid you laughing hysterically or too loudly in a quiet restaurant. I did find this man attractive and I felt myself answering far more than I ever intended. In short, he was exhausting me. Fifteen minutes had passed.

He visibly relaxed and ordered a third drink. He was raised out of town and as a result he had the open quality that people do when they are not raised in the city. This is totally a quality that I am looking for. He also had a restless, jittery quality that I am not.

Spoiler Alert: At the end of the date, he admits to being diagnosed as ADD when he was a child.

We talked about random things, including but not limited to very specific details about the area surrounding the bar we were in (?) and at exactly 30 minutes in he dropped his first f-bomb. At forty minutes, he had finished his third drink and asked for the check. He paid with a crisp $100 bill (which I haven’t seen someone pull out of their wallet since my grandmother was alive) and when I mumbled something about it, he replied “That’s just how I roll” with a glint in his eye. He slid me one of those candies that come with the check and asked when he could see me again.

If I didn’t know better I could have sworn he was doing a male version of The Rules. It was suddenly all so efficient. He certainly seemed to know how to close the deal. I told him that I was busy in the next few days (which was true!) but that he should call me. He said he would. He walked me outside and then tried to give me a kiss. Which I was not ready for.

So we tried again and had – without question – the world’s most awkward kiss. It was like his lips were numb (from alcohol?) and he could not move them to either close or open. I kept kissing his teeth. I have never had a kiss malfunction like that in my life.

Thank Goodness it did not last long. I darted away with a friendly, “Call Me!”

He did not walk me to my car. No kidding.

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