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Friday, March 16, 2012

Apologia

http://www.ideaboner.com/

Sometimes I see a group of girls sitting together, or going on vacation together and I sigh. Deep, lasting friendships with other girls has always eluded me. I am not the type that gets asked for a girls-night-out a second time. Everything I have ever touched has turned to ash. I absolutely abhor women who say that they get along better "with the boys" because that completely avoids that problem and does not give me the true wisdom I am secretly craving.

Sure, I like fellas well enough - everyone who reads this blog already knows that - but it's important to have women friends. More importantly, it's important to me to have women friends. It wasn't always my fault, but since I believe we manifest our own reality then yes, it's completely my fault. I am saying goodbye to a few people as our paths diverge and with them I hope they take this, my humble apology:

Starting from Grade 1 though to Grade 8:
I'm sorry I was only attracted to the loudest, craziest girls; girls I had to chase and fight with and be abused by in order to stay "friends" with. If you tried to befriend me and ignored you it was because I literally couldn't see you. You were too good for me then, anyway. I'd love to hear from you now. I bet you are married with beautiful children and a fulfilling life. That doesn't surprise me because you were completely awesome. I am sorry I did not appreciate your gift of friendship. I really regret it.

And moving on to High School and University:
I spent a fair portion of my life being co-dependent with women. In the absence of knowing how to be a good friend, I just became a good copycat. I'm sorry that I didn't actually like you, or the music you listened to, or your boyfriend. I tried to be as kind as possible but it just exhausted us both.

I'm sorry you didn't get me. I'm into a lot of different stuff to keep myself occupied. In fact, keeping myself occupied is really hard and really important; otherwise I pop off with all that weird, intellectual stuff you hated. I never shared that with you because I figured you wouldn't understand or care. And I was right. But it must have been really embarrassing when the people in your world didn't get me either. For my part in that, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry but I can't be friends with you if you mock my parts of speech when I use big words, especially in front of men. I had a very, very expensive education and I often know the correct word or definition you are looking for. Yes, this makes me a know-it-all. If this intimidates you, then buy a dictionary. I didn't invent English but I do hold the copyright; don't take it out on me. Besides, men don't love girls who are mean their "friends", keep that in mind.

Speaking of which, I'm so sorry your boyfriend wanted to/ tried to fuck me. I encourage you to find a new boyfriend. Also, don't encourage me to hug your boyfriend when I meet him. I'm in the prime of my life and the only thing I think about when a hot man touches me is sex. Same goes for him apparently. That's not a bad thing, just stop forcing us together. I don't get it. I've never understood it.

I'm sorry but I can't be your friend if you want me to be jealous of your boyfriend, or if you picked him because you think that I think he's hot. You know who you are and you have some serious sexual hang ups; leave me out of it.

I can't be your friend if you think your pussy can control men (see Magical Sex Ninjas). Pussies can only control boys.

I'm sorry but I can't be your friend if you are a drug addict or drink a lot of alcohol. My mother doesn't drink alcohol anymore and that was a hard-won fight. I won't live through it twice.

I can't be your friend if you swear a lot, because I already swear enough for two people and I want to stop.

I can't be your friend if you have ever bragged about hating white people. My mother is a white person, so it probably won't work out between us.

I'm sorry but I can't be your friend if you have told a large number of people that you hate me, that you think I'm ugly (especially my nose) or that you think I'm "insane". My nose was broken when I was nine and I have had reconstructive rhinoplasty but it is still not straight from certain angles. I am looking into other plastic surgeons but it's expensive and painful. A normal person would understand and not mock it.

Insanity is trying the same process and expecting a different result. Thank you for bringing it up because it's a good definition for our "friendship". If you are wondering why I keep mentioning stuff from high school, it's because I haven't had a meaningful conversation with you since that time. If you weren't drug-addled, you would know this.

I'm sorry but I can't be your friend if you are a train-wreck. I fully acknowledge that I am a former train-wreck but I have been putting a lid on that for the last few years. I call it "wanting to be taken seriously" since "being an adult" has been seriously corrupted by the train-wrecks of the world. I forgive you for not noticing how well I am doing at it. It happens so quietly that most people don't know its happening. That is what not being a train wreck looks like. Dry your eyes, fix your makeup and hold it the fuck together. You are a smart girl and you will figure it out.

I'm sorry but I can't be your friend if you don't stand up for me. If you allow others to be cruel, then you are a coward. I can't be friends with you if you are a coward. Life has the power to rip people wide open. I can't waste my time with girl-women who need protection from normal things in life. My shield only fits my body; if yours is dented then get it fixed.

I can't be friends with you if constantly tell me I'm getting "ripped off". This is a serious personal pet peeve. Since I earn a lot more money than you (remember that expensive education?) I do not mind paying extra for what I like. I'm not sorry for this one, actually.

I'm sorry but I can't be friends with you if you are living with a man who won't marry you. You would just be bumming me out because it dominates every conversation. I've already lived through this experience and it hits too close to home. As I was living through it, I thought my example would warn you off this same situation. I imagined that as I was living through it, you would say inside your head "I am never letting that happen to me. No way!" I figured my complete humiliation would be worth something if you were saved from it. I love you that much, that I would protect you from the most soul-destroying thing I can think of... Yet, here you are.

No one could have talked you out of moving in with him; don't pretend like that was possible, so I wished you well and hoped for the best. I love that you have the courage to follow Love where it led you. I believe in Love. But now the bubble of love has popped and you are both just playing house. You knew this was a possibility but you thought you were special. It turns out you weren't: lick your wounds, pack your shit and go home. Run away from him because the alternative is you changing your energy and your beliefs into increasingly smaller and smaller pieces while you try to become what you think he would marry. Your energy shrinks until I can barely see you. The person I once knew has disappeared. I do not think this is Gods path for you. This suffering does not lead anywhere. It is self-indulgent. There are other worthwhile things in the world that need your attention.

On the other hand, I'm sorry but I can't be friends with you if you are looking for a rich man to keep you from working. There are a lot of beautiful girls out there. You aren't really that special. It also means I can't introduce you to my friends from work or church. I would be scared you would shake them down for cash. Sadly, you won't be beautiful forever. He knows that, too. If that's the only thing you are selling, then I need to break it to you that supply exceeds demand. I learned that phrase while studying for an Economics degree. It means get ready to start reducing your price.

You'll notice that I'm not excluding the people who make fun of me to my face, the girls who get me drunk and then forget where they left me, the ones who think my blog is great but don't read it because "there are too many words". I understand that as a female you need to talk about me behind my back. You need to mock my success and my failure with equal measure. Don't worry, it keeps me humble. I don't blame you for being jealous. I am seriously jealous-worthy without even trying.

I'm sorry that you confused my loving support with a desire to actually live like you. I'm sorry you are under the impression that your path looks good to me. I'm sorry you confused my silence with condoning your choices. You didn't ask my opinion so I didn't bother forming one. I'm sorry that you thought you were coming on this journey with me. I hate to leave you behind, but this way there be dragons and it turns out that I'm the only one with a sharp sword.

It must come as a shock to you that I am rejecting your kind offer of me helping you during this, your last most recent crisis. I realize in retrospect that I trained you to think that I had nothing better to do, that I would always "care". It's just that I am really good at multi-tasking. I wasn't honest with you. I did not show you the best part of me. As I said before, this is my fault.

And I'm sorry.

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