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Friday, March 9, 2012

Date#60 - A Sign of Good Faith

This man emailed me a few times, asked when I was available, settled on a day and then asked me to suggestion something convenient. Of course, I offered my old favorite haunt and he agreed. He almost planned the whole thing via online message but the day of the date – perhaps as a sign of good faith – he messaged his number with a quick confirming message. I replied with my number, nothing more, as The Rules indicate.

I was pleasantly surprised to see that he was early and he texted me as I was walking across the street to tell me he was there. Points for Redundancy! He was tall, dark and handsome, with a professional financial planner designation and an office north of the city. He was extremely personable and friendly. He kept the conversation clean, upbeat even humorous and used my first name a lot when he talked. It’s a technique used to make a person like the speaker and it worked.

On his profile, he wrote that he had played “professional hockey” but when I asked him about it, he was reluctant to expand further. He said that he played at the “Division 1 Level” which was a paid job. He certainly had the physique for it. I say that I like hockey because I am Canadian, not because I have ever actually watched it on purpose, but for the record: Date#60 is the second semi-pro hockey player I have ever had the pleasure to meet. Go figure. Does this make me a puck bunny?

He said that he went to school in upstate New York but he had never been to New York City. He clearly did not have a sense of adventure. Or something was very fishy. He said was living downtown in a rented house with his buddy. Because he was eight months separated from his wife, not yet divorced. After nine years of marriage and no kids.

Houston, we have a problem!

After an hour, I wound the date up with the typical “Well I have to be up early tomorrow because I’m going to the Marni pop-up store at H&M with my friend Brook Alviano who is an up and coming fashion designer and burlesque costumer” (which is all true) and went home. There is not point in telling you how the date went, Dear Reader, because he is a married man. Separated is not divorced, Single Girl, I caution you to remember that.

When I asked if he was going to go ahead with a full divorce, he broke eye contact for the first time, made a face, shook his head and stared out the window for a long moment. He did not tell me any details - which was a great relief! - but it was clear that he did not want to let her go, which did my heart so good to see. Very, very gently I said, “Well, it is probably repairable”. Silence. He looked at me hopefully and started to slowly nod his head. I felt like I was actually meeting the real Date#60. He was a lot quieter than the other guy.

He expressed an interest in seeing me again and sent me a few texts, but they were usually late at night and at the last minute. This man is making a huge mistake by going online to find a reason to get fully divorced. He is just complicating an already complicated situation. The most activity that men in this delicate time should be doing is group bowling nights with a bunch of happily married men, nothing as serious as one-on-one dating. He is biting off way more than he can chew. But that is not the reason I will never see this guy again…

The Rules advise to NEVER be a rebound girl and to always be very aware of time-wasters. A separated-not-divorced man is both of these things rolled up in a tight landmine of emotion that rolls through the online dating world looking for a place to detonate. If you want to cause years of endless pain and destroy the lives of three people simultaneously then a separated-not-divorced man is just the way to do it. If you want to be smart, wish him well and try again next week.

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