Wednesday, March 7, 2012

False Starts

The beginning paragraph of all my dates starts exactly the same way. Don’t think I haven’t noticed. This makes them seem effortless – which they are – and almost boring, which is also true. And when you become mature enough, Single Girl, you will also see that is the benefit of the Rules; if you follow them there is no "man drama". A Rules Girl always knows where she stands. If a man can not “hunt and fish” well enough to secure a simple drinks date, there are likely bigger problems at work here and he is not a catch. Or he is not single.

The most difficult date is one that usually never gets to the drinks stage and if you want to know what to look for to weed out these “difficult” men, then read on…

Mr. Needy (above) called me on a Monday around 6pm and started talking. At 41 years, he was older, into yoga (huge bonus for me) and asked A LOT of questions:

When were you last in a relationship? Why did you break up? …etc. He was wondering if I had ever met anyone as old as him (Answer: yes, my grandparents)

My list of friendly non-answers was getting exhausted. He told me a story about being in his last relationship that was supposed to explain why they did not work out. It went,

“I spend 8 years eating mint chocolate chip ice cream, and I don’t even like mint chocolate chip ice cream”.

Now, clever girl that I am, I thought that he was making an analogy about the boring sex life he shared with his ex-girlfriend. But no, he was actually talking about eating ice cream and not having the balls (?) to negotiate a different life for himself. Since the world is made of up two types of people: Those who LOVE mint chocolate chip ice cream, and the sub-human monsters that fed on the nightmares of live children in the dark crevasses of time and space, I knew we did not have the right stuff.

At one point he asked, “Do you make your bed in the morning?”, when I asked why he wanted to know, he said that it was a “test” question to see if I was really doing my morning meditation like I said I was. (i.e. a person who meditates for a few moments in the day will be more likely to do so in a tidy environment). Since I have already scored a near perfect on the SAT Verbal, my days of being tested by strange men are far behind me. I breathed easily knowing that I would never have to suffer through a date with this man.

But he didn’t know that.

So he talked very engagingly (read: in a solid stream of consciousness) for a total of 8 minutes but he – say it with me now, Single Girls! – NEVER GOT TO THE POINT. He did not ask me out. He just loved the sound of his own voice and so he kept talking about… nothing. {Hint for the fellas: I have to actually know you to care about the small minutiae in your life. This goes for women too. Rule # 2 is SHUT UP (I may have paraphrased a bit there).} At which point I said

“Listen, I am on my way out, so I have to let you go but I hope we can talk again”.

His voice immediately hardened into an icy whisper that stayed with me long after the call was terminated, and he said:

Then why don’t YOU call ME back when you are finished?”

It was like the beginning of a horror movie… With a broad smile on my face I responded in my friendliest tone “I will do that!” and heard him hang up as I was still speaking. I deleted his number off my phone and proceeded to make dinner. And take a hot bath to shake off the bad juju.

The following day was Valentine’s Day. He was clearly lonely. And drunk. But Valentine’s Day can be an opportunist’s dream! He could have started with something kind, gentle, funny or sweet. He could have been endearing and scored himself a date with a real live woman for the upcoming weekend. Instead, he wrote:

“I guess you found someone to play with ;)”

If that is not the creepiest thing you can think of hearing from a stranger over 40, then I have no idea where you hang out. The deranged winking emoticon adds a little something, don’t you think? It’s like he thinks he can cover his passive-aggressive rage at being ignored with a cute smile, the same way a homicidal maniac tries to pretend he’s okay with having a group of gangbangers run a train on his girlfriend.

The first mistake this clever boy made was thinking I saved men’s phone numbers. Nope. You call me. You hang up. I delete the call so that there is no embarrassment if my phone is lost or stolen.
Police: “So, who was the last number to call you?”
Me: “Uhmmm…”

Since I don’t call men (See The Rules) there is no reason for me to keep your number. That goes for texts: Unless I have a reason to keep your texts messages (i.e. you have planned a date with me) then every new one is an undiscovered country. I have to ask for his name. And when he responded he put another winking emoticon. Why?!? What’s funny? Is your name funny? Is it not your real name? Your goddamn emoticon is menacing me! I have deleted his name out of courtesy so you are just going to have to believe me.

Anyway, I wanted to know what he meant, so I acknowledged we spoke last night and asked him. He wrote:

“Just saying Hi”.

Wow. Jealous much? I have never met you and already you are building strange relationship castles in your head. What was wrong with just saying “Hello”? Did you want to start a fight about who I am with? Did it occur to you that since you are a stranger, I do not owe you any kind of explanation?

My point is, Single Girl, there is something wrong with men who fill up your inbox with nonsense messages. It is the dating equivalent of going through a drive-thru without ordering anything. The question is the same: Why did you come here?

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