Friday, June 8, 2012

The Differences Between a Friend (With Benefits) and a Booty Call. Maybe.

When Booty Calling, be sure to include your name.

It’s obvious that I am pro-marriage, but did you know that I am also pro-SEX? When it comes to sex, it is my personal belief that there is no subject that is more talked that also boasts the least amount of action. I think that people who talk about it the most, do it the least. I have narrowed it down to a mathematical theorem: The amount you talk about sex is inversely proportional to the amount of sex you are actually having.

As you may recall from my experience with Date#40, I am not opposed to the concept of a Friend with Benefits. I feel that not every night of your life needs to be judged as perfect and that sometimes people get swept away for short periods of time with someone who is completely wrong but has the right chemistry. This used to have a name: It was called being “swept away”. Before our era of ultra-control, this relieved an unmarried woman of full responsibility of her actions. Biblically speaking being “swept away” is only a venial sin (not that serious), not a mortal one (extremely serious). However, if you are already married you’ve just committed a mortal sin no matter how “swept away” you may claim to be (extremely serious). I feel that the state of your eternal soul to be worthy of serious discussion so consider yourself fairly warned.

In short, I encourage people to find what gets them off and pursue it, right up until they change their minds to pursue something else. I encourage women to take yes for an answer and not be uptight. However, you must maintain your boundaries and self-care which requires maturity and foresight. Ironically, living your hot sweaty short game takes an enormous understanding of the long-term ramifications. That is why sex is both fun AND confusing.

A Booty Call is a completely different animal. This is where a man calls you up in the middle of the night and …. See that’s the part I don’t get because it has never happened all the way for me.

Let me start again:
I think it is where a guy gets unbelievably hammered and wants to have sex despite not really being able to. So – instead of hiring a prostitute - he texts at 3am and wonders if you can come over. There are a couple of logistical problems that need to be overcome in this scenario.

One, he will need to live completely by himself because otherwise he will be bugging his roommates/parents/wife.

Two, you will need to be awake and interested in this idea enough to go to his place. This is a big jump in my mind. I can’t really see fucking for another hour or so AFTER coming home late from work/ a bar or dancing. There is also a philosophy syllogism here: If you know where his place is and it’s plausible to think you would go there in the middle of the night, then aren’t you in some sort of real relationship anyway? If so, you just lost your Booty Call status and are back to Friends (With Benefits).

Three, this means that whatever you were going to do the next morning, it will have to be re-scheduled, because you will be tired. Remember that part about foresight? You get the Honorary Train Wreck Award if you lose your job over a Booty Call. Not a good look, Single Girl.

Four, a Booty Call apparently means that you leave right after sex because you are not in a relationship; and it even has a cool name, The Walk of Shame. I love sex, so I’m not sure how it’s Shameful. Just to brag: I have done The Walk on a beach in Turks and Caicos as the sun was rising and I can attest it was one of the most beautiful and life-affirming moments of my life.

I don’t like sex when it’s not my idea. A man can convince me it’s my idea if he actually dates me, but being needy for sex on my phone in the middle of the night is not that convincing. Mad Texters who like to Booty Call should ALSO remember that those messages do not seem so sexy when they are being read on Sunday morning while I’m on my way to church... *cue the angels singing*

Or when they are being posted to my blog.

Based on this series of arguments, I feel that a Booty Call is something of a rare unicorn in the dating world. How is it done in real life? Sadly, the “shame” part keeps most girls pretty tight-lipped about the whole thing. Dear Reader, you are welcome to post comments.

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