Friday, July 20, 2012

Blame the Heat wave

Caution: Within in this blog post, there is a very small (heh) picture of a penis. Actually, two penises (penii? penium?). If you are at all skittish about full frontal male nudity, please do not read this post. Or read it and do not look at the pictures. Please consider yourself warned.

There is a very clear warning at the top of my online dating profile. It reads:

Do not send naked pictures.

It happened often enough that I needed to do this. While I am not entirely sure what thrill men get from this, I have to burst your bubble: they all look the same. And by the same, I mean “ugly”. Nothing photographs worse than an erect penis, and you can put that in the big book of declarative sentences I never thought I would publish online.

There is also disclaimer on my online dating profile, it reads:

Rude messages sent directly to me will be posted on the internet.

Sadly, most men do not read this far; and when they neglect to do so, hilarity often ensures.

Case Study #1

Subject presents with a nice message and a highly suspect photo. He was wearing sunglasses and a hat and a heavy coat and he was in his car. This usually means the guy is bald – why hide it? bald is beautiful – and so I asked that he send a “clear picture of your face”. That is fairly clear, yes? And is that what he sent? Hilariously, no…

He sent this:
Careful! There is an eraser down your pants!
Next to a clear picture of his face:
I love a man who matches his underwear to his suit.

Now, I do not know how stupid you have to be to send pictures of your crotch beside your face on the internet, I just know that it is below beating a stick on the ground and just above jabbing that same stick in your eye. At the time, I thought this would be the highlight of my week the only one, but then lightening struck twice…

Case Study #2

Subject presents with tame online message and asked for my number. He began to text and indicated that he was not actually single, that – in fact – he was married, or as he described it: “living with someone”. I abruptly terminated any further text messages by writing “Sorry. No longer interested”

Readers Note: Experts are very conflicted on the exact percentage or the statistics of married men who troll the internets saying they are single. To compound the matter, this is a completely different number from men who clearly state up front they are married and troll the internets looking for something on the side. Understandably, this causes women to be very suspicious and the lack of transparency is one the top reasons nice girls avoid online dating.

Personally, I have heard anywhere from 25% to 75% of all profiles are built my married men. To be safe, I round it out to 50%. This sounds high but it is no different from the men who take off their wedding rings and hit The Keg on King St on Thursday nights. My point is, single gals are meeting liars everyday. One way to avoid embarrassment is to follow The Rules. Never approach/write to a man first and never read his profile because it could be full of untruths.

In life, you are only responsible for your actions. If a man pursues you and follows through with a simple drinks date only to let it drop that he is actually married, then you have remained completely blameless; you have done nothing wrong. Once you learn that a man is married, be super cool. Make your excuses and leave. Or stay and hear what he has to stay and then leave. My point is, you are going to meet unhappy people everywhere, don’t start becoming a crusader for women’s rights while sitting across the table from a stranger because that is really one-sided and exhausting. You honestly do not know what that person is living through. However, married men who cheat with you will cheat on you. That is the 11th commandment and I hope you are never stupid enough to get involved in a fantasy relationship. This blog is not for stupid Train Wrecks, so let me show you to the door.

But back to my story, I wrote “Sorry. No longer interested” and deleted the string. Six hours later – while I was eating dinner! Ew! – he sent the following:

If you have lost this hairy penis, or you know the owner, please email me.

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