Friday, July 6, 2012

Date #63 - Behold The Omnibus Man! (Richard Crane The Second)

No, it doesn't, Baby. But I'm willing to pretend to discuss it if I get more oral and anal sex. And threesomes.

This man asked for my number online and then - despite my clear instructions - began texting. I got irritated and wrote back,

"As it clearly states on my profile I do not text strangers so either call like a grown up or get lost."

Reader's Note: This is completely against The Rules which advises that you can never "force" the relationship from email/text to phone. I just can't stand strangers text my phone. It makes me feel dirty.

He must like assertive girls because: Call. He. Did. Many times. Sadly, I never got the phone in time. He tried again a few weeks later and when I picked up the phone he actually planned a full date including day, time and location! Really rare. It's usually this never ending tennis match of,

"So, what do you want to do?"
"Gee dunno what do you want to do..." Etc. Ad infinitum

He picked Jack Astor's, which means he wanted to have a quick drink in the equivalent of an arcade. From my experience, meeting in this environment can mean that he is threatened by verbal intimacy. But The Rules advise that it is not up to you to judge, and I had already pushed my luck with the whole texting thing, so off I went on a beautifully warm June evening.

First off, Jack's has changed, Bra'! The place was the size of a soccer field with wall-to-wall TVs and a bar that was 40 feet long. Everything - including the waitresses breasts - was tastefully over-the-top; it was like an upscale Hooter's.

And sitting at the end of the bar was Rodger from Jersey Shore. Just kidding.

It was his 42 year old older brother. Or a guy just like him. He was powerfully built, he obviously worked out regularly (i.e. juice head gorilla). He had a Christian Audigier v-neck T-shirt and a giant silver chain around his neck upon which hung a large crucifx. We pecked in greeting and he began to talk. He talked for 55 minutes straight. He did not drink alcohol but was willing to buy me a glass of white wine. He started off telling me that he needed to lose weight. Then he moved to the meat and potatoes. He had many girlfriends, had never been married, no kids. He was currently dating up to 3 women and would I like to be added to the harem? It meant I would have to be open to threesomes. He wanted to be honest up front so there was no confusion. Without waiting for answer, he moved to the endurance part of the date where he regaled me with stories of former paramours.
Highlights included:
~How he had been to Cancun 17 times and his belief that the Mexicans secretly want to kill us all and he would never go again.
~How he usually dates perfect 10 models but for me he would make an exception.
~How every woman his age was divorced with kids. This seemed to surprise him.
~How every woman his age is a gold-digging financial train wreck. On this one point we agreed and spoke at length. He was very surprised that I saw it his way. On the topic of marriage and inevitable divorce, he said:

"I have never met a woman who was hot enough to give half my stuff to."

I told him how well-put this was and that from his perspective it made sense. Finally, he told me about the time he titty-fucked a woman with basketball-sized breasts. (This explains why we were meeting at Jack Astor's) At this point, I became seriously distracted and a part of me was dying for this sad man who lived in a sex-saturated fantasy.

I believe in God and Love and the Triumpth of the human spirit and that did not seem to fit anywhere in his world.

I lost my train of thought - I literally had no coherent response to the above-mentioned statement - and decided it was time to wind the date up.
He did not offer to walk me to my car, he told me to go and he would take care of the bill. His parting words were a request that I send him pictures of my pussy via the internet. I graciously declined and left him sitting there at the bar.

Full Disclosure: As per The Rules, I did not contact this man. Ten days later he contacted me with the following:

Batteries not included. Some assembly required.

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