Friday, July 27, 2012

Getting Your Way Through Your Vagina

This is not a real post, this was just too good to pass up. A man – upon learning about my job – asked if it was true that women slept their way to the top in my industry. I assured him in the affirmative;

“Totally true!” I gushed. “I am sleeping with my boss right now! I just hope her wife doesn’t find out!”

I wasn’t sure that he would get the subtle jest I was making; in that, I work for mostly women and so sleeping to the top is something of an outdated concept. In addition to that fact that she was gay and I am not – the irony being that I am on a dating website to meet men - but I digress. He replied:

I knew that it is true. I know also a woman where I work, believe me she has not skill sets, she just went out with guy executives and within 3 years she got 4 promotions. Well what can you say, woman get their way through their vagina.

Indeed, Dear Reader, indeed. The phrase “woman get their way through their vagina” was blogger gold deeply offensive. What can you say? Only this: They guy may sound like a paranoid maniac but the kind of person he is talking about actually does live amongst us. There are female psychopaths too – and they don’t just drive men insane, they can seriously fuck a sister up. And it leads to an important point that I have been thinking about for some time: that of the Train Wreck. Women who “sleep” or flirt or fuck or lie, cheat, steal their way into your lives and elsewhere actually do exist.

Let's begin with a quick primer:
A Train Wreck is the Lindsay Lohan of the everyday world. She will often be very physically attractive. She will be young, or still look young. You will know her because she will be the loudest woman in the room, she will also be the shiniest. She will be a very good mimic – what you like, she LOVES and will be crazy knowledgeable about. She will be very forthcoming in just a few minutes. If you feel like you have made a very deep connection with another woman in less than 3 minutes, you may have met a Train Wreck.

Caution, Single Girl!

A Train Wreck will want something from you. If the train wreck was a man, he would want to fuck you and leave you and we would call him a Player. But the female Train Wreck will be even more damaging: She will want to fuck what you are fucking.

The Train Wreck is ALWAYS in a rocky relationship with another woman’s man (see: Charlize Theron's character in Young Adult). Famous Train Wrecks include Monica Lewinsky, Reille Hunter, and Marilyn Monroe. (sorry, darling, the truth hurts). Whether he is President, looking to become President, or actually President (again) he will be successful, handsome and already yours. Train Wrecks do things like call a man’s dead wife a “vindicitive bitch”, they steal small items from peasants like fur coats and diamond necklaces and do not serve time in prison once convicted of the crime. They eventually commit suicide. Let me repeat that for all of you who buy the new People magazine every Thursday morning: Train Wrecks – the same ones on the cover of the tabloid – eventually commit suicide. Or die violent deaths.

{Did you know that the rate of suicide triples – not doubles, triples – among women who have had breast enlargement? Yep, that little factoid was published by that dirty rag known as the Annals of Plastic Surgery in August of 2007. You know who else has big fake tits? Train Wrecks.}

The point is, getting your way through your vagina is a short-term prospect. To be valued for your beauty or sex is a limited time offer. If you make any money at all, it is usually eaten up servicing the Cult of Beauty; $300 face creams, laser microdermabrasion, yet more surgery. The people around you know that this is happening. They do not respect you for it. It’s like performance art: relevant but still only transitory.

As a parasite, will need to re-invent yourself under a new persona as soon as the host has died. This means that you may assist a boss in hurting people, but he will turn on you just as quickly. Train Wrecks are always surprised when they are re-assigned to a different job after being used as the hammer. It's kind of like being replaced with a new, younger Trophy Wife when you start to get old and fat. If you are in the business of selling yourself to the highest bidder, you do not get to act shocked when there is market volatility. This is why Train Wrecks have trouble forming beneficial relationships. They have no self-esteem. They have trouble forming relationships with men who have good values, because they can not see past his looks and/or bank account. They explain this as being “picky”, right up until he chooses someone else. Then they know exactly who they want.

If you are getting your way through your vagina, I applaud you. Just not with my lady lips.

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