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Friday, July 12, 2013

The Buffoon of Bay Street

I don’t really respect one of the people in my office and here’s why…

  1. Tells a client that he has computer problems so that he is unable to book a meeting in his calendar. I call a tech, at which point he admits there are no computer issues. He then reminds me to call the client and book the meeting.
  2. Ignores his phone when a client calls, then pretends to be on the phone when I try to transfer the call. So, I take a message. Then he calls me and asks what the client said. When I tell him “Nothing, just left his number for you to call him” he says “Oh” and hangs up. He does not call the client back.
  3. He never wants anyone’s help but always wants a free lunch.
  4. The discomfiting sounds of grunting and sighing emanate from his office about twice a day.
  5. Convinced that he should receive different/special treatment for routine tasks. Ends up taking twice as long, with triple the confusion.
  6. Reminds me to tell the summer student to file his stuff alphabetically. For the third time. The summer student graduated with honors from the University of Toronto in Finance, where they taught him – among other things – the entire alphabet. Reader’s Note: This from a man who used to file his stuff by a system he invented (and keeps!) in his own head, which is why the summer student was hired in first place when auditors could not find what they were looking for.
  7. I file documents using the new system. He then rips them up and shreds them.
  8. Complains when I use all caps to complete a client application. (WTF)
  9. Oddly obsessed with the word “Executive”. Like executive class, executive golf course (only nine holes) or executive chef. He uses it every chance he gets. He will mark his client’s occupations as “Executive” even when another term is more appropriate.
  10. Uses a ton of words and never manages to make sense. Both verbally and via email.
  11. Tries to use legal terms in regular conversation. Uses them incorrectly.
  12. When typing an email inquiry, he refuses to use question marks. I feel like punching him in the face.
  13. Managed to get a large influential client and recommends a course of action. Action fails. Client leaves.
  14. He is friends with a misogynist Asshole who is going through a messy painful divorce. The Asshole pretends my name ends in a “Y” so it sounds stupid. I pretend to ignore him. No work gets done.
  15. He spends most of his day sitting very still, staring at a spreadsheet he built. Or getting coffee with the Misogynist Asshole. No work gets done.
  16. When asked to call a client, fill out a form or sign a document, his hands begin to shake. No work gets done.
  17. He is always late for client meetings. The client gets irritated at waiting and leaves. He loses the client. No work gets done.
  18. He buys coffees for clients to apologize for being late. The client has already left so he offers the cold coffee to me. I don’t drink coffee.