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Thursday, April 2, 2015

How to Roast a 'Beast': A Primer


We are waiting for you to say Grace.

An oral history dictated through the kitchen door by my mother, who hopes one day to fatten a son-in-law for slaughter out of love.

1. 'rip' oven to 400 celsius.

2. make excessive noise retreiving pans from place pans are kept.

3. pour olive oil in roast pan, a tiny bit, "skitter" with index finger.

4. pre-heat oiled roasting pan in oven which is 'beginning to rip'. After 5 minutes it will begin to smoke, this is good, take the smoking pan out of oven.

5. compliment the quality of the beast, say "this is a lovely piece of beast" a few times, muttered under the breath as one who prays sacred incantations to the cooking gods.

6. place beast on plate and shower with a dry rub of garlic powder, salt and freshly ground pepper. Discuss whether the term "dry rub" is appropriate. This line of inquiry inspires one to literally "rub" the seasoning into the beast. Go with your gut.

7. sear beast in hot roasting pan on all sides. Requires arm strength and something that looks like a tuning fork. Place beast in pan and put in oven. Reduce temp to 300 celsius.

8. Cook two hours.

9. Advise that those are all the steps needed.


"Nope, we are not done, stupid"


10. argue about whether there is any wine to make the gravy, assign blame as to who exactly was supposed to pick it up and when. Use a combo of HP anWorcestershire sauce mixed with the "good off the meat" instead.

11. parboil the potatoes and slide them beside the beast in the pan. Tuck the squash with butter and brown sugar in a separate pyrex dish at the back of the oven.

12. save the potato water but don't tell anyone why. Be mysterious.

I lost track of where we left off. The meat was divine, pink and soft in the middle and well roasted at the edges. The homemade Yorkshire pudding (a type of egg bread but the size and shape of cupcakes) rose like angels in the oven and were light and fluffy and delicious. The potatoes were perfectly roasted and the gravy was excellent.

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