Thursday, August 20, 2015

A Field Guide to Men on the Internet

The Handsome Badboy
This is the guy with the 3 shirtless photos. One will be of him shirtless holding a beer, one will be of him shirtless by the pool with a bunch of bikinis and martinis, and one will be of him shirtless wearing sunglasses and ball cap, frowning, probably posed on a Japanese motorcycle in his parents driveway. This man will have an inbox full of offers from eager young ladies, a phone that never stops ringing from his real-life girlfriends and the only relationship he really cares about is the one he has with his bros. If he sends you a message – and that's a pretty big IF - it will be along the lines of 'nice tits wanna fuk'.


How He Will Capture Your Heart: He will treat you like shit, ignore you in person then booty call you in the middle of the night and for some reason that will give you 'butterflies'.

How To Capture His Heart: Don’t respond to his messages. If a response is absolutely necessary, just text 'k' several hours later to whatever bullshit he scribbled while racing in his friends souped-up Honda. He won’t really remember you or your interactions, so your vagueness will seem mildly soothing (think: Paris Hilton vague). He will be comforted by the fact that you are putting in as little effort as he is; after all, he is not deliberately trying to hurt you. He's just really, really selfish and doesn’t see you as a person the way his dog is obviously a person.

%Chance of a Authentic Emotionally Mature Relationship: 0%

The Successful Corporate Divorced
This man has his shit together. He will have exactly one picture of himself looking like a GQ model in a suit. He works out obsessively. He has a successful job that eats up 60 – 80 hours a week, a gorgeous condo on the water decorated with just the right about of Buddha heads and electronic equipment, and super-accomplished ex-wife who used to be a supermodel but gave it up to get a PhD in Public Medicine where she assists women in third world countries attain adequate prenatal care. She's honestly a beautiful saint. And you know about her because he uses his real name and his work email address. This comes off as emotionally available to intimacy-starved women on the internet who quickly google his Linked-In profile and overlook his outdated marriage announcements on Facebook. It doesn’t occur to you to ask why he let such a catch get away, or why she is now happily re-married or why he is still single.

Best Season: Fall, you won't interfere with his golf game and it's before Christmas and tax season.

How He Will Capture Your Heart: On paper this man is fucking fantastic. You can imagine a seamless transition from dating to marriage to happy family for this presidential candidate of your heart. In person he will leave you cold. He will have strange sexual preferences that you really aren't comfortable with, leaving you bruised and confused. He will constantly be re-scheduling dates, leaving you drunk, pretty and alone at the bar of all the city's finest hotels. For some reason, you will tearfully insist to your girlfriends that this gives you 'butterflies'.

How to Capture His Heart: Be fucking accomplished. Win awards for Top 20 under 20 and Top 30 under 30 and … well, he would never date anyone older than 30, so you can stop there. He's already had a doctor, so you better be a lawyer or in politics, anything that doesn’t compete with his industry and forces you to be perfectly coiffed (read: waxed) at all times. Fame is the same as Accomplished to this man, so being known as a partygirl/ socialite/ trainwreck will also satisfy his vanity.

%Chance of a Authentic Emotionally Mature Relationship: 10-15%, pending you satisfy all the other qualifications. Be prepared to provide a resume and three valid references.

The Old Guy Who is Really Good at Sex
This is the still-shredded ex-police detective, ex-firefighter or ex-structural engineer that is asking you to take a chance on him. He has a couple of pictures, usually one with a dark tan taken on vacation and one on his boat wearing a captain's hat like Hugh Hefner. He is a widower with grown children in successful relationships who are thriving. They will never hear about you. He is currently living the retirement of your dreams, just 30-40 years too early. This is what happens to Handsome Badboys who wake up in time to make all the right choices.

Best Season: Winter, when he vacations in the sunny south for four months of the year.

How He Will Capture Your Heart: For girls with abandonment issues surrounding an absent father, this man will win your heart by being emotionally available and unbelievably thoughtful. He will ask you about your day as he pours you a drink. He will pride himself on being a genuinely good lover. His bedside table is empty save for a book on improving love relationships through better communication. The testosterone coursing through his veins will have subsided to a dull roar and he will be solely concerned with your orgasm. He will make love to you slowly over many hours, never asking anything in return. After your third full body orgasm he will cuddle and chat with you. He will remember everything you tell him, including everything you tell him about your friend's, co-workers and your favorite TV shows. He will PVR these shows and curl up on the couch with you until it's time to go. He never gets bored.

How to Capture His Heart: You already have.

%Chance of a Authentic Emotionally Mature Relationship: 0%, but it will be a great learning experience and you will part as friends. You will look at this time as a turning point to everything that comes after.

The Catch
This man will be tentative and quiet. His picture is fairly straightforward and his profile is slightly boring. He is not at the top of his career, but knows what that looks like and is actively pursuing it everyday. He is well-regarded in his industry and has a small circle of loyal, long-term friends who all have stable mature relationships. The emotional baggage tied to his family is firmly stored. He is average-looking but becomes more good-looking as you get to know him. He is interesting but he also listens to you without interrupting while making eye contact. He doesn't pick fights with you. He will have a clear, calm view of what he is looking for out of a relationship. He will stand up to a Trainwreck. He will be on your side, right or wrong. He believes in a higher power and cares about the environment. He plans activities that don’t only occur at night.

Best Season: When you aren’t looking for a boyfriend.

How He Will Capture Your Heart: He will make you laugh.

How To Capture His Heart: Be yourself. Have boundaries.

%Chance of a Authentic Emotionally Mature Relationship: This depends entirely on you and your ability to recognize what is happening and meet it with an open heart.

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