Thursday, September 24, 2015

The Exposed Life of Caroline Stanbury, Lady of London S2E2

Episode 2: The Barefoot Baroness

More Meaningful Title: Who Knew Danish people had sexy Royalty with British Accents, or was I the only one who didn't?

In the opening montage, the following happens:
Juliet asks her hard-working beleaguered husband for a Chanel bag, using lots of that vocal fry men love, Lady Julie feeds what looks like an orange tarantula and Caroline Fleming takes a moment to pray while her dogs eat breakfast. Perhaps a Scandinavian custom? Google is silent.

And we're back!
Caroline shows up at Marissa's in a gorgeous fur and brags that it keeps her warm. Wonderful insight, Caroline. As a Canadian I can concur, fur does in fact keep you warm in the winter. I feel like we are friends already.

One of the things Caroline always needs in every situation is a servant. Immediately upon arriving she is laying in Marissa's bed and getting Marissa to remove her gorgeous suede stripper boots from her sharpened sticks legs. Classic Caroline. Another handy tool Caroline uses to always feel superior is to disagree with a statement and then quickly use it against the original owner of the statement. It is maddeningly effective at keeping people completely off balance. Marissa complains that removing the stripper boots is silly (i.e. she is perfectly aware what Caroline is doing), and Caroline quickly responds with "Have you heard yourself lately?" when Marisa mentions she has her assistants respond to text messages. Immediately Marissa – or whomever – is put on the defensive. Caroline always wins because Caroline is unapologetically rich, blonde and anorexic; she does not share a normal woman's level of guilt. So refreshing. Life must be gloriously simple for a woman who cares only about herself and immediate family. I want to be just like her. Caroline needs to watch her back, though, for I sense that Marissa is just busy taking notes and grabbing my attention as the second most important character on the show, as well. Caroline then labels the fight between Marissa and Juliet 'her problem'. This woman is a Master Class in Self-Absorption, I love her.

Best Line of the Episode:
"We were two blondes on the London scene and we had an absolute blaaaahhhhst" – Caroline Stanbury, on nuclear disarmament

The double-barrelled turkey dinner must have been very boring because it does not even warrant actual footage, both are portrayed as flashback footage instead. This leads me to wonder how insane the season will actually get, if something like this gets left on the cutting room floor. Someone named Annabelle has a moment on the show. She is thin with bangs, wears black and referred to as an 'It' girl. *yawnCaroline Fleming is introduced. She is fabulous, authentic and her Christmas party forms the "plot" of this week's episode.

Caroline and her skinny calves arrive first, empty-handed, in a dress that illustrates her life-long desire to remain undernourished is going swimmingly. Another guest arrives with flowers and Caroline mumbles 'oh my gawd you brought flowers' like someone handed her a dirty diaper. What is the problem with flowers, Caroline? Caroline sits at the dinner table, ingesting nothing, staring stiffly with a frozen smile on her face. Food obviously disgusts her. Same, Caroline.

The room is too quiet and Caroline must establish supremacy so she passive-aggressively insults Lady Julie's beautiful full-skirted dress labeling it a 'prom dress'. Once again, that is a uniquely American tradition - methinks the lady doth protest too much! - and Caroline secretly wants to be an AmericanTalk turns to an event hosted by Marissa that Juliet is not invited too. Lady Julie (The-Viscountess-with-too-many-children) underscores that she will be bringing all of them, meaning it will be a zoo. Caroline – not to be outdone – shouts that she will be taking all her children to the event as well. This made me laugh out loud for some reason. Do fashionable English women only take some of their children out at a time? Because the alternative is laughably cruel, and not unimaginable in the case of Caroline. The person Annabelle describes Marissa's hosting of this event as wanting to be seen as a 'happy family' and 'very aspirational middle class'. That's a lie because the Dowager Countess Grantham of Downton Abbey has clearly said that being 'defeatist' is very middle class. Is being bitter part of being an 'It' Girl? Because you can keep it. Annabelle is neither happy nor has any family, the definition of defeatist. 

Caroline declines her dessert and dominates the conversation with the saddest Oliver Twist story of being forced to eat food fruit at fat camp boarding school, creating a 'mental' block and she can never eat it again. Classically disordered, Caroline, you are fooling no one. This exchange reinforces my theory that Caroline was bullied as a youth creating the monster we see before us today.

Meanwhile…at Gift Library, Caroline and her thin legs march around in a burgundy aviator jacket. Once again, 'everyone' is wrapping in the backroom because they have lots of orders blahblahblah…
Caroline is eating something!
I see her chewing! She is holding in her beautiful fingertips something … it's an infinitesimal candy she calls a 'jelly tot'. It is so small it can not be seen with the naked eye, yet it requires that one eat it with their mouth open. Fascinating. She has a meeting with husky-voiced Rania and mentions a future financial loss as "two hundred thousand dollars". Doubly fascinating. Would the loss not be calculated in pounds for a Brit? Caroline asks Rania to choose people to fire and Rania begins to cry. We already know how Caroline feels about emotions from episode one and tells her to 'go away'. Rania obediently scurries off. Caroline has the decency to respond sheepishly in the talking head segment on the subject of driving a good business idea into the ground and her investors losing money.

Cut to Mob Wives a Mafia-style sit-down between Marisa and Juliet. Juliet gets her ass handed to her by Marissa. Juliet is a manipulative trainwreck since last season who does everything wrong and is so embarrassing I can't watch her, so good riddance. I also find her very unattractive outside of the talking head segment and very attractive in it. I don't like the feeling of being confused so I'm happy to see her go. Marissa is correct in a number of ways. Married to a Brit and trying to be seen as a foremost hostess, she can not allow anyone in her inner circle to undermine her at the risk of both her career and her marriage. She tells Juliet that they are merely friends, not BFFs, which is still a pretty generous concession. Juliet is crushed, despite not really liking Marissa. Pick a lane, Juliet. The episode ends with Marissa demurely sipping a cup of fresh mint tea, quietly smirking to herself. This woman is rapidly gaining my full attention.

Next Week: We are all One-sie.

Foods Caroline Talked About in this Episode:
1. Caroline complains that she is so hungry she can "inhale all the chips" but we never see it. Well-played, Caroline.
2. Caroline complains that she has been asked to leave 'whilst I have pudding in my mouth'. This is a lie. She ate no such pudding.
3. Jellytots

Things Caroline actually ate in this Episode:
1. 'Jellytots'

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