Friday, October 16, 2015

The Exposed Life of Caroline Stanbury, Lady of London S2E6

Are you talking about sex?

Episode 6: Are We Fired?

More Meaningful Title: The Producers at Bravo Want You to Feel Sorry for Rich People with Bad Judgment, Whilst Still Being Jealous of their Lives

Quickly, quickly now, everyone! 
Take cover to endure the editing blitzkreig so that we can get through the opening montage, quickly!
Images of London change to images of the country and we arrive in the dressing wing of Caroline Stanbury's house. She stands bereft in the closet next to her expensive candy-coloured purses. She advises that she will take a 'couple hours' to dress but she ends up wearing her usually uniform of ripped jeans and a bias-cut biker jacket. Disappointing.

Caroline Fleming is shopping for vegetables at an outdoor market. Normal.

The person Annabelle is wearing a black dress and someone is slavishly thanking her for it. Am I to understand that because she was the self-proclaimed muse of Alexander McQueen, she has somehow been imbued with his genius and now she is a fashion designer, or something...? She walks around with hair in her eyes like a sheep dog, for God's sakes.

Lady Julie is walking with her kids.

Marissa is drinking red wine with her kid. Don't believe me, watch the show.

Juliet is talking with her kid and the kid is smarter and more socially aware than Juliet.

And we begin with Marissa and the person Annabelle who have developed a ...friendship? Wait, I feel a little betrayed because I thought Marissa was too "middle class" for Annabelle. Marissa uses the words organic, authentic and real correctly identifying mistaking Annabelle for a vegetable. Same, Marissa. She then embarrasses herself by describing the person Annabelle as - and let me try to parse this out correctly - "FA-SHUN! FA-SHUN!" despite Annabelle not appearing in any of the FA-SHUN! photographs she provides. Marissa requests assistance with choosing exactly the right kind of trucker hat and Annabelle provides no constructive feedback other than she hates it all. Well reasoned, well argued, I guess. 

The fireplace makes me think of Hell

Meanwhile... at Gift-Library (BTW, why the christing fuck is it hyphen-ated?) Caroline needs a special pillow because her heiny hurts. Mine would too if it was just two bones clicking on a plastic chair, like a dog with long nails on the linoleum. A woman named Pauline (where is Rania?) is literally trembling in front of Caroline and accompanies her to an investors meeting, by which they mean a meeting with Caroline's father and his cronies, who refuse to throw more money at this ridiculous flight of fancy. In the talking head segment, Caroline tells us that she has been working at Gift-Library for seven years, not just two years like she told us last episode. Does that make the situation better or worse, Caroline?

There is a commercial break and we return to Caroline being escorted into a dark SUV while sad music plays. She is either being arrested for securities fraud or someone has died. 
No such luck! 
She calls Rania (WHERE IS RANIA?) and says 'we grew the business too fast'... 
Wait, that reminds me of something....
AH, yes! Yes, you did Caroline! That's right, because in the first episode you bragged about 'acquiring' The Wedding Shoppe. So, let me get this straight: Instead of building the existing business with your investor's money, you bought a second business as a soft place for you to land in the event of disaster. Because while Gift-Library staff most certainly will be out of work, Caroline will still have The Wedding Shoppe from which to draw an income...

W O W 

...That is some very creative accounting, Caroline. I am interested in what the British Tax Code says about that...

Ever the sociopath, Caroline correctly imitates the sad body language she sees in others but doesn't actually feel anything other than the pinch of rejection that her natural charisma could not get her out of this mess. To pass the time she turns her attention to hosting friends from - where else? - America! She says she met a man in a club in 'Los Angeleez' and they 'clicked'. No, she doesn't mean her husband, she means Michael Sam, former NFL player most famous for being openly gay, and his partner. She sits with her 'other half' while her guests put her children to sleep. The same children she is leaving Gift-Library to spend more time with. Like I said before, in every situation Caroline must have a servant. And no, by 'other half' she still doesn't mean her husband, she means her make-up artist Luke. If Caroline insists on calling her guests her "gay boys", can I call her a fag hag?

The person Annabelle talks about her stupid book again. At some point we are going to have to acknowledge that this is a desperate cry for help.I hate to break it to her but the movie has already come out. It was called Inside Out and maybe she can rent the video and watch it with some of her FA-SHUN! friends. Or continue to worship the Devil. I'm cool with whatever she decides.

How do you get your mouth to do that?

Cut to...
Beaulieu Palace, where a distant titled relative of Lady Julie's husband whom she has never met (lol!) gives them a tour. In attendance are Caroline "The Danish Earth Mother" Fleming and the person Annabelle. Like Mapperton - and all property on planet earth - Beaulieu needs to generate an income in order to pay its taxes. For some reason, this comes as a surprise, a shock and an insult to Lady Julie who has a pathological need to throw herself behind a cause, no matter how stupid or undeserving. I can't generate sympathy for rich people who are faced with the simple task of having to make a living and neither should you, Dear Reader. Bravo wants us to both envy these people (the purpose of the show) and feel sorry for them (the plot of this episode). Pick a lane, assholes.

But this summit was not called to enjoy tea and crumpets, it was called to discuss Juliet's behaviour. It is agreed that Juliet is a trainwreck and they need to sort her out. Fleming argues that it's really a burst of love and attention that Juliet needs and volunteers to reach out to her. Fleming invites Juliet to her home to cook...pesto? With almond butter? ...or coconut oil? It was hard to follow because Fleming kept alluding to sexual intercourse and Juliet ended up looking like the normal one. NO ONE SAW THAT COMING. Juliet is like a haunted mirror that infects others with her poison while remaining herself immune.

Best Line of The Episode
"Wigs alter your personality" - Juliet Angus, excerpt from her PhD thesis on clinical psychology

Top Dog must be top of mind, because someone is trying to steal it. And by someone I mean Juliet. She arranges a bowling night with day-glo wigs, and mustard yellow custom bowling shirts and fast food...can hot dogs be far behind? 
Juliet is a Top Dog copycat. ( did you see what I did there?!?!? OMG!! )
Lady Julie and Juliet go off in a corner and continue to gibber and throw feces at each other talk about nothing. Ignore them.

The ladies each choose a shirt!
Juliet is Bam Bam
Sophie is Frank The Tank (yes, you are baby)
Caroline Stansbury is HRH
Marissa is Mother Theresa
Lady Julie is Loose Lips
and Caroline Fleming is Cougar...?

Marissa makes a bunch of off-colour comments about Fleming with 'little boys' and Fleming takes exception. We know this because she gets silent. As Caroline tells us in the talking head segment that "silence is deadly", then again that is how I describe my farts. Marissa - upon hearing of Fleming's displeasure - decides against the mature of tactic of either apologizing or shutting up. Instead she seems to challenge Fleming to some sort of duel. 

Next Week: The Cougar in the Room (Classy, Bravo.)

Food Caroline Talked About In This Episode

Food Caroline Actually Ate In This Episode

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