Thursday, November 5, 2015

The Exposed Life of Caroline Stanbury, Lady of London S2E8

Gonna 'afta be, innit?

Episode 8: Something Rotten in Denmark

More Meaningful Title: The person Annabelle spoils everything.

The opening segment is slow and creepy~~
Juliet wakes her children.
Caroline wanders around her giant closet, alone.
Marissa doesn't know the difference between bullets and shot.
Lady Julie...did someone just say wax her ass?

Marissa and Juliet attend a fashion show. Here are the words I heard them say:  Ebola. Fashion Week. Ass dust. Passion is fashion. NI-omi. The person Annabelle stalks the runway with a boob that is trying to run away. She almost smiles. It's heartwarming, like watching Pinocchio become a real boy. The other two women go out of their way to support her, the way you whisper quietly outside the door of a person on their deathbed. Then seal their friendship with a model walk-off, and Annabelle awkwardly hugs them both. 

Cut to... the person Annabelle and Naomi Campbell having a chat. Yes, the Naomi Campbell. (Point of process: The first is 'a' is long because it's followed by a vowel, 'o'. The 'o' is ALSO long because it in turn is followed by an 'i'. The 'i' is short because it is not followed by a vowel. So it's pronounced NAY-OH-MEE, not NI-omi.) I have adored this woman from her earliest days via Fashion Television. I know that she always carries Knorr spice in her purse in case a meal is bland and that she once had the George V in Paris cook her a roast turkey on American Thanksgiving, deliver it to her hotel room and ate it in her bathrobe with her friends. I mean, I sincerely am a fan...BUT I have never heard her speak! Naomi is so beautiful and sounds exactly like a whiskey-drinking jazz singer from the 1930s. I'm hyponotized. She says the most beautiful things to the person Annabelle, who almost smiles. I'm confused. If Naomi Campbell is asking you to call her - and saying her number hasn't changed - WHY AREN'T YOU CALLING HER?

The doctor will see you now.

Meanwhile ... at Gift Library! Kidding, you guys, it's still closed, but for some reason they are having an exit interview in the creepy abandoned warehouse. I would love to know what is really in those sparkling white binders that line the entire back wall behind Caroline's desk. All the embezzled cash, maybe? Caroline, wearing a large sheepskin rug as a shirt, and her last two remaining employees (Rania's back!) sit wet-eyed before retiring to the pub. Caroline does not follow them because they serve food there. With garlic.

Marissa, the inventor of toaster strudel the mafia-style sit down over cups to tea, arranges to meet Fleming to discuss - what else? - Marissa's big mouth. The last time this happened she straight up dumped Juliet as a friend. Chamomile flower tea is ordered. Shit's about to get mad real. Turns out, Fleming is STILL STILL upset about something Marissa said about something about someone about something. Marissa apologizes again. They hug. But Fleming STILL STILL does not accept the apology and I'm so bloody frustrated with this situation that I am secretly scared Fleming is fucking crazy for real.

This is Fleming rn.

Lady Julie poses nude atop a pop art painting in effort to advertise JUB, a la Top Dog. She looks amazing and has the best bottom. She says, "I do like my bottom". Fascinating.

Caroline, Sophie and Fleming (who uses the term darlingheart in a sentence) meet for lunch to discuss the scripted trip idea of all the ladies going to Denmark. Fleming tries to hug Caroline. Caroline requires therapy shortly therafter. Same, Caroline.

The ladies, wearing a selection of ridiculous black felt hats, skintight acid-washed jeans and spike heels, dressed as slutty rabbis apparently, all arrive at the ginormous warehouse that is Heathrow airport. All except the person Annabelle. They stand about like fools until she appears at the last minute in a sour temper. She fails to properly greet her host. The person Annabelle admits to needing "support", and then mumbles something on camera. I rewinded it several times and CAN NOT hear her. The upshot is: she can't ask for help out of her funk, someone has to notice her, then help her. That's the game of it all. Enjoy playing, ladies! She then lurks about in doorways, and refuses to wear a coat in subzero weather. This is absolutely going to end in tears.

On to Denmark, friends!!

Cellphone footage of them playing around in economy class did not live up to my expectations. Try harder, Bravo. 

The hotel is magnificent and immediately Caroline crawls into bed with Fleming. If I ever play hide and seek with Caroline Stanbury, I will know where to look. She is so fuzzy and warm she OFFERS Fleming a an unsolicited HUG >>> 1/1.1m1.fd[k[adpiah[efj (sorry, I fell on my keyboard)

Fleming is a national celebrity in Denmark and carries herself like a Queen amid paps. She authentically complains about losing her privacy (pronounced: "privah-sea") but needs to be treated with the utmost deference in person. It's a tough balancing act and she would emotionally drain me, personally, but Caroline has no emotions, enjoys the spotlight and sucks up to her at every moment, linking arms like a pair of Japanese school girls. It is a self-reinforcing feedback loop that seems to work. How utterly fascinating. Fleming speaks at length about her Danish royal heritage and it is truly awe-inspiring. She is the hostess with the mostess. They decide to hit a local furrier, 'cause that's what Danes do when they let their hair down? Dunno.

This is Fleming rn.

"I could not be wearing less clothing". - Caroline Stanbury, in winter

Lady Julie starts fussing because she doesn't approve of fur, also she's hungry. (Where are your JUBs, Lady Julie?) And like a Baroness, Fleming indicates everyone should do as she feels on holiday, so off Lady Julie goes to grab a coffee. Apropos of exactly nothing and having to do with nobody, the person Annabelle decides to attack Lady Julie, and assigns adjectives to Lady Julie that are better suited to herself, like "childish" and "rude". Being mean to Lady Julie is no-no, bitchface! You are on notice, the person Annabelle.

They attend a fur store and try a bunch of expensive coats. The person Annabelle sits in a chair and makes strange fashion suggestions like the drunk skeleton from The Last Unicorn. Go be unhappy somewhere else. It's becoming clear that she has fixated on the death of Alexander McQueen in an unhealthy way and is soon to follow him to the grave if she doesn't change her internal dialogue.

Best Line of The Episode
"You put so many bandaids on...they all fall off!" - Juliet Angus, further excerpt from her PhD thesis in clinical psychology

The Drama!
Darkness falls and all the ladies are a-flutter with thoughts of Annabelle exploding at dinner. Interestingly enough, Caroline indicates that the person Annabelle has taken advantage of Lady Julie. It takes one to know one, Caroline. Fleming indicates she intends call everyone on the carpet, Caroline warns her off. With Fleming, that's like trying to stop water moving down hill.

3, 2, 1... CONTACT

The person Annabelle - who is very likely very drunk - takes the bait and goes around the table insulting each of the women. Each is struck dumb with shock and embarrassment. Lady Julie - the person Annabelle's closest friend for heaven's sake! - bears the brunt of it and is STILL GRACIOUS. (In the talking head segment she says "This is not the Annabelle I know". You are classy, Lady Julie.)

Caroline, in a move that makes me love her because she can literally speak to a woman like a man, turns around and says "sometimes to you are too yourself, not with us".  Y E S

Go back and re-watch what she did there: She told the gentle truth. Caroline correctly understands that the person Annabelle is suffering and gives her an easy out. The person Annabelle, who was looking for a fight and reason to fuck everything up and leave Denmark in a huff is absolutely robbed of the opportunity. Mark my words, she won't stop there. She will find another way to throw the hook in next episode. And I think we are all agreed that in a past life Caroline was a military general and a zen buddhist monk. Fucking perfection! 

And what happens? The person Annabelle hears NOT A WORD OF IT. She claims Caroline is being "sneaky" in the talking head segment. Way to go, Me Me Me, you are the architect of your own prison.

Food Caroline Talked About In This Episode
Chicken Liver
White wine spritzer, the cocktail of upscale Vegas hookers everywhere. YES

Food Caroline Actually Ate In This Episode
Chewing - actually masticating - in the fabulous Danish restaurant. *chorus of angels*

Next Week: Unbelievable Balls

Reader's Note: The next episode is filmed in an actual Danish castle and looks so beautiful I could die...

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