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Thursday, December 31, 2015

Gratitude Journal, 2015


AAAANnnnnndddd we're back! 

I spent Christmas crushing a bottle of Perrier-Jouet and scratching lottery tickets with a pink paper crown on my head while binge-watching Season 1 of Homeland. My So-Called Life is ah-mazing and I obviously won Christmas. (If you got that joke, call me.)

Dear Reader, let me take a moment to give thanks and praise to Almighty God for the tiny little life He has given me fuckin balls-out brag:

Spring
I hired a Feng Shui consultant to give some recommendations about how to create a positive home environment, ideally to attract more health and wealth. She offered a few tips on decor, hung a few crystals, read my I-Ching fortune and blessed my door with a special prayer. Since that time there have been some really positive changes in my life. I highly recommend it. If you want her details, write a comment below. 

7 March: I am fixin to be done with the second of two of the coldest longest winters in Canadian history. A pair of winters that broke records and left a major lake frozen until June. I literally prayed for something to be green in all the winter white and when I attended the ballet, the opening scene included ballerinas jumping in green dresses. I was so starved for colour it felt like actual magic. I cried. 

Reader's Note: It's strange that I did not even make an entry until March 7, but that just proves how quickly you can fall back into your ungrateful despair spiral...

11 March: In order to lure an unsuspecting victim through the keyhole get a tenant for my condo I had to paint the walls a very specific institutional grey and my dearest friend V saved the day. So much gratitude. I also learned how to give myself a full-body orgasm using just the hot tub jets at my health club. Oh la la!

25 March: I ate dinner at a very conservative formal establishment and gazed upon a butter swan, the image of perfection. It was also filmed. My life is weird and wonderful.

27 March: On this day I received a pair of double stud pearl earrings for Easter and two free Starbucks, in fact so much free Starbucks the whole year long that it's obscene. I also ate fish and chips. Fish and chips always make this list.

6 April: I celebrated my five year anniversary at work! YAY ME Additionally, I heard a rumour - that was later proven true - about some horrible people at my previous job who had been investigated by the RCMP for insider trading, causing them to lose their jobs. I am grateful that I trusted my instincts about it being a toxic work environment and professionally severing myself from the whole shebang.

Summer
The most beautiful Spring I've ever witnessed, which led into the most fun summer in a bunch of summers. What is the collective noun for summers? A 'helios'?
A special thank you to the GO Train employee who helped find my yoga bag. Twice.
I stopped eating bread and potatoes.
The whore-slee and her brother-husband/pimp down the road found another place to fellate donkeys ply their trade. It's been absolute bliss without them.
I upgraded my degree to an Honours. Just cuz I'm badass.
I went to Costa Rica. I visited an active volcano in Nicaragua and swam with stingrays, who are the puppies of the sea.
A whole summer of gin and tanning at the yacht club.
I wore a fancy hat and made $150 at the track. I also made $1100 in 3 months on an investment in a down market. This is evidence that my investing philosophy makes money.

30 June: Made it with an honest-to-god vampire who drives a lemon yellow corvette, a body builder who doesn't and organized my first threesome. #squadgoals #achieved

4 Aug: My co-worker to the left bought me McDonald's breakfast for no reason. My co-worker to the right does accents, for all the wrong reasons. Does it get any better?

10 August: A man who dumped me on Valentine's Day asked me back. I politely decline. Instead I played frisbee with a 10 foot tall Romanian man on a nude beach.

20 August: I bowled a strike.*

25 Aug: My car got fixed. So grateful!

Fall
September was an ideal Indian Summer and I got organized!
Sunday afternoons shopping for housewares and quiet days dreaming of London and my UK work VISA. Sundays can be used in any way you feel and I used my blustery Sundays to study. I am so grateful for Sundays.
The church where my parents were married got reno'd. It's even better. 
I went for a drive in the country in my gorgeous car and it was spectacular. 

31 Oct: I spent Halloween in Puerto Vallarta. Nobody does Halloween like Mexico.

On my birthday I watched The Last Unicorn and ate a $90 cake. Then I was offered a new job with a better title and more money. I start in 2016.

Here's what my horoscope says:
The part of life that will be golden in 2016 is the part of your chart ruling friends. Several new faces are due to enter your life

They better like books, alcohol and know how to tie a slipknot.

The best of LUCK in the New Year, Dear Reader. I love writing for you and appreciate all the times you contacted me with comments, kudos and complaints. Take care of yo' bad selves!