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Friday, March 25, 2011

A Profile Says a Thousand Words

When judging a potential suitor via online dating, it is true that even the most simple or brief profile can speak volumes about the person.

This is a benefit - rather than a curse - to both parties. You can read a lot from a profile if you know what to look for. I have discovered from viewing over a thousand online profiles that you only need to make a quick decision when viewing a profile: either yes or no. It's so quick for the following reason: You are not doing the initiating. You are only scanning the messages that you have already rec'd in your inbox. My usual response to women who want to do The Rules for online dating is "Read The Book!, Single Girl". Going online and thinking you can do it yourself is how nice girls get hurt and then jaded. Not a nice place to be. Throwing yourself in with the piranhas before arming yourself with knowledge is just plain silly. But since you insist on doing The Rules without reading the book, I have a few tips on looking at online profiles.

The first thing is that the profile exists (I.e. the person is interested in meeting people online).
Re-read what I just wrote: meeting people online might not mean meeting them in real life. You've been warned.

Scan email only once a day, at a respectable time, for 5 minutes only.
I wrote a lot in that sentence so let me unpack that for you.
Getting obsessed with yet another inbox is the exact opposite of "The Rules". Instead, look at it this way: Perfect strangers have a golden opportunity to get in touch with you and make their best offer for 5 minutes each week day. They better make the best of it. That is the attitude you bring to checking your inbox. Quickly delete with messages that look unkind or weird in a bad way without reading them. No need to bug yourself. Then you are left with a precious few that have potential. Since most sites reveal when you are online and at what time, then your "appearance" must be at a practical time or else you risk being too available to opportunists.

Scan by picture
Next, a profile with a picture is great way to determine if you like the way he looks. Do not fall for that "It's so superficial" crap. It's not. Many, many people have mentioned feeling an initial "connection" with a picture that later turned into a lasting relationship. Always Follow your Instincts.
Then there are the quantifiable measures:
Is he smiling?
Is he in your age group?
How many pics are there? (there is such a thing as too many pictures)
Did he take time to shave and put on a suit or is is a picture of him drinking and driving (true story)?
Is it a close up head shot or a shot at a distance with sunglasses and a hat and 5 other guys all with their shirts off?
Is it him and a bunch of female faces all scratched out?
Is it just a picture of his penis? Or a picture of the penis he wishes he had (true story)?
All of these things are actual clues about what kind of man he is.
Torso shots taken in the bathroom mirror:
Think clearly for a second Single Girl. He will likely want one of you. This goes for penis shots, too. Tit for tat, as they say. This is not the guy for you. Buy a fireman's calendar and move on.

Scan by profile name
Men think they are being clever by including their sexual preference in their online screen name. But because men's idea of subtle is calling you 11 times an hour when you break up, something often gets lost in translation. It's never clever, just creepy. Think clearly again, Single Girl: Any man who permanently declares himself as "PussyCumLover007" is a certified lunatic. Or 15 years old. You decide.

Scan by subject line
Messages that begin with "Hi" in the subject line are always from guys who write:
"Any luck on here?
"How's the fishing?
"Where was that photo taken?
In short, these are messages from boring men who are scared of women and relieve their anxiety by amassing info about them in lieu of meeting them. Read and delete. You don't answer silly questions. They can always try again, no harm done. Do not be mislead that this was just an intro message and things will get more interesting as he "warms up to you". You do not have that kind of time, Single Girl, you are already on the internet -which means you didn't marry your high school sweetheart and the clock is ticking. You aren't being mean, you just don't answer silly questions.

Open Email and Scan for Normalcy
Do read extra-long emails/ erotic poetry. Delete.
Do not answer silly questions. Delete
Do not respond to rage and/or cleverness that goes nowhere. Delete.
A normal email reads:
Hi
I saw your profile and liked your picture.
I would like to meet for a drink
Drop your number, or here's mine
That's it! He was polite and he got to the point. He is making a valid connection and he is moving on with his life. Anything other than that is a no go. The way a man gets his intentions across is by SAYING THEM CLEARLY.

You will notice that I make no mention of his actual profile, the one where he wrote what he does and where he went to school. I do not want you to read that at all. You can discover all those things on your first drinks date. It will him something to talk about when you are the first girl who doesn't bring it all up in a big flood before you have sat down. All you need to know is that he is single, what he looks like and where and when you are meeting.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Close The Deal

One of the surprising things about online dating that was cast in sharp focus over time was the ability of men to talk endlessly about sex and not do anything about it. There is an urban myth that men on the internet are just there for sex. I reply with sadness that this simply isn't true. Be not afraid, Single Girl, of lecherous males on the internet, your virtue is safe! It reminds me of the old adage of animals in the forest "They are more afraid of you, than you are of them".

I have emails from men that list desires, positions, outfits, etc. but none have the ability to actually close the deal. Closing the Deal is the least talked about and most needed element in online dating. Nothing can happen if we don't meet. Any fool knows this, or at least, I thought that fools know this ...but apparently not.
Take, for example, "whiteviking67" who called a girl to his apartment to have sex, only to jerk off before she got there, fall asleep on the couch and miss her calls when she was out in the lobby. She left in frustration. I ask you, Dear Reader, was it good for you?

Take Heed, Single Girl. A man who can not put down firm plans to meet you for a drink has bigger problems that you need to be exposed to. He could be married, a convict or lack a car. It's the same with a man who posts pics wearing sunglasses and a hat. Are you in disguise? Is this a riddle? Do I care? The answer is no.
According to The Rules, a man should ask you out in 4 messages (and some experts say he should do it in only two) or else you should delete him and any other follow up correspondence. Closing The Deal involves asking for your number and then calling you. Texts messages do not count if he wants to be taken seriously. Double negative if he repeatedly texts during work hours. Is he not employed? This is a red flag. Late night texts are booty calls. Delete upon receipt. You can have a purely sexual relationship with someone that doesn't involve treating you like a prostitute.

I have a multitude of men who text me to death during work hours. I write "Busy at work. Call after 5?" and suddenly there isn't quite so much noise anymore. A man who can't follow up with a phone call or text after work is a DUD. Buffer your ego, Single Girl, because here's the truth: He just wasn't into you enough to close the deal...or to call after 5. You aren't missing out on anything. Better luck next time.

I have many men who text on Thursday and Friday evening for a date. They tend to be good looking because only good looking guys can get away with behaviour like that. But they can't do it with me. Here's the secret: They always try again. Saying no to a last minute date usually guarantees that he will try harder next time. It certainly guarantees that there will be a next time. Men love a challenge. Take, for example, that handsome European who was irritating me during work hours. I wrote my usual "Busy at work. Call after 5?" and here is what he responded: "yeah, I'm busy too. call me when your done"
Hmmm.. that's an interesting response. It's a far cry from what I said, of course, but every guy has to take a shot I guess. Since I would never call a man I wasn't married to - for any reason - I got a follow up text the following Friday. "Hey I thought you were going to call me when you finished work?"
I felt like asking: Really? What made you think that? The fact that you told me to do so? You are a complete stranger, and your instructions mean nothing to me, you arrogant son of a bitch...etc. But what I want you to notice, Single Girl, is that he thought about it for a week. I may not have called him, but he that didn't stop him from thinking about me...heh.

I responded that I was busy, of course. Then he followed up with my favorite last ditch effort to regain control: "Well I'm leaving for [insert exciting destination] on the [insert date] and so we won't be able to meet after that." Sometimes this sounds like "my schedule is really crazy" or "I'm all over the place". All of these are designed to rush you into meeting with him on his whim. Do not fall for it. It is a red flag. Most importantly, It is a lie. He is not interested in building a relationship with you, not even a sexual one. It is the male equivalent of the female who only calls you when she needs something.
"Hi. Can I borrow your new black pants?"
"Are you good with Excel mail merges?"
"Do you want to buy a magazine subscription for my daughter's school budget drive?"
This woman is not your friend, she is merely someone you met at work.
You don't need to be exposed to a manipulative person to get a date. A benefit of online dating is the sheer abundance of eligible people. The next step is finding one who wants to close the deal.

I get a lot of flak from unmarried women about The Rules who are either dating or in relationships with men . These women get angry that I think their men are not going to marry them, and I think this because it is true. Your man may marry you but if you strong-armed him down the aisle then it hardly counts. I have girls who gave their men ultimatums - at which point the man capitulated - but that is hardly how I am going to make the most important decision of my life. Where is the dignity in that? You may have a date for New Year's but he won't pour the champagne for you. You'll have to do it. I have seen this with my own eyes.

Single Girl, you can not make anyone fall in love with you. It just happens. No matter how sweet or loving or how much you do for him, this is not a negotiable position. You can't fake love or force love. You can not convince him to love you. Stop trying. Trying is the opposite of effortless. Closing the Deal is proof that he likes you. If he can't do this, then he doesn't like you. Just date other men who can Close the Deal.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Twice Is A Relationship

Tell me, Dear Reader, what is the definition of a relationship. More specifically, when are you in a a relationship? The Rules advise that you do not take your profile down until the man asks you to be exclusive. This proves difficult for women...
Take for example my dear friend who went on a popular dating website. She went on her first date with only the second man they matched her with and decided that he was The One and took her profile down, wasting 200 bucks for the year membership. She even gave the heave-ho to another amazing guy that she had just met in order to make herself that much more available.
Hint: Men do not find super-available women all that attractive.
His man was good on paper and their initial dates were very nice. Then she jumped into the sack with him and suddenly he didn't know if he really wanted kids like he said on his profile. Uh oh. She allowed herself to remain in denial by saying that he was getting older and that if he did not chose her, then he was missing his window of opportunity, so of course he was going to chose her...etc. It was the Process of Elimination courtship, I guess. But I know for sure that I do not want a man to marry me just because he is losing his window, also men can stay fertile far longer than women, so she was really kidding herself. This is a classic example of a Single Girl getting ahead of herself and investing too much, too soon.

So, back to the original question, at what point are you in a relationship with a man?
Is it after 90 days like in some self-help books say; or, is it after you have "The Talk", and does that even count if the woman brings it up? Sadly, not likely.
Sex is very important to men, so perhaps Twice Is A Relationship.
A one night stand is one thing but if he calls you a second time for a second dose of the same medicine, then it's a relationship. Maybe not a meaningful one, but we underestimate how much men value their time. They do not spend wasted moments with women they do not think are worthwhile. They certainly do not make the same mistake twice when it comes to sexual partners. The little girl in us wants a sure thing but the woman in us should recognize the value of a good old-fashioned passionate affair. These do not come around often and they are good for you! Back to my dear friend: I personally think that she should have slept with him when she wanted and gave him space when he started to freak out...by dating other people.

Often women do not listen to what men are really saying. They get hurt because their expectation is not being managed in accordance to what he is actually saying. A notorious womanizer asked my friend to dinner, she turned him down and when I asked "Why?"

She said: "I could never be his girlfriend"

This is a gross understatement. You could never be his girlfriend because he did not ask.
Girlfriend was never in negotiation, the offer of dinner was...er...the only thing on the table.

"Well, no, he WANTS me to be his girlfriend" she blubbered. Really? That's not what I heard him say.

The moral of the story is Don't get ahead of yourself, Single Girl. You want a relationship so bad, it's likely it's already being offered just not in the neat package you always dreamed. I encourage you to test the waters. I encourage you to say Yes to what looks like fun on Saturday night even if it may not be what your mother wants to hear on Sunday morning. I encourage you to go out even when you don't want to. I encourage you to actually LISTEN and OBSERVE what you are hearing and seeing. I encourage you value your time as much as a man values his and remember that Twice Is A Relationship.

Take Yes For An Answer

Dear Reader, I am a single red-blooded female and like all young single things I am interested in sex. A lot. I have a lot of confidence on dates now, and with confidence comes a letting down of one's guard. Sex is more of an option now. Yes, I understand that building a lasting relationship involves more than sex.
BUT am I allowed to say - that with some guys - I have no practical interest in a relationship? You are just very good looking and all those hours you spent at the gym instead of university are about to pay off.

Single woman my age aren't supposed to say that out loud.

A statement like that seems to give permission to all those who would shake their head, roll their eyes and say it's my fault that I am single (my FAULT) if I admit that I am open to being seduced by a man I barely know. The head shakers and eye rollers would have me stay/live with/marry any man for the sake of having a date on New's Year's Eve. I call this syndrome "A Man At Any Cost". I have already decided that is not the correct choice for me.

Let me be clear. I am exceptionally accomplished. I speak, read and write 3 languages. I have been to 31 countries on my own. I own property. I scored a near perfect on the SAT Verbal. I am far too accomplished to be a good lifemate to some men. This is not bragging, this is a fact. If a man does not have a job or a relationship with his family or a clean record, then he is not for me. I am not judging him, I am judging his actions. We quickly learn we have nothing in common...except chemistry.

It would seem that the man with the least amount of common sense often talks the most about having sex. Well, AriesGuy123, today's your lucky day because I'm listening. You see, the way it works is, all I have to do is say Yes. The real endurance test falls squarely on your shoulders; I just have to lie there. Are you sure you are up to that kind of challenge? The biggest fools make statements to strangers like, "I'm really good at sex". Do you realize how great you would have to be to live up to even half of that statement? Do you further realize that women have the best sex of their lives with men they are in love with? Gratefully, I have discovered an select number of men eager to prove me wrong.

Take for example, Wolfverine99, he had a great profile pic and a dashing bio. He wrote an email, got my number and started texting. Like the proper Rules Girl that I am, I answered only once a day and politely demurred when he tried to make plans the same day. He tried this many times. I knew it was a lost cause when he proved to be an exceptionally slow learner. Very good looking men have it very easy in the prime of their life. They are never asked to wait for sex and as a result they tend to be terrible at it. I have one young man who only has one speed: FAST; and only one method: HARD. He kisses hard, he grabs hard, he pulls hard and he pushes hard. I only need sex like that once a year. Wolfverine99 finally did the impossible and he asked me out for the following day: He was clear in his text message that I was second choice because something else had fallen through.

"My daughter is sick, so I wont be visiting her so I have tomorrow night free" How flattering!
Full Disclosure: Shouldn't a man be visiting your child when they ARE sick, not just well? As a general aside, he was not winning any points for being a good parent either.

It did not matter, because by then I already knew I was going to experiment with him.
I wanted to know if he could Take Yes for An Answer, so I texted back "ok!" and waited...
And once I have said Yes, consider the deal closed. Again, the man with the least amount of common sense will not realize he has gained his prize until he has talked you to death. The reason? He has nowhere to take you. Again, there is a double standard in favour of women; there is hardly an expectation that she should provide the where. Take Yes For An Answer, you fool. Get your hand out of your pants, get your own place and begin to seduce women.
The following day and night passed with no further messages. He simply disappeared. I am never surprised but this is always a bit humbling...
Two days later he began to text again:

"Hey busy girl" (like it was me who cancelled the date) "I was thinking we could plan something for next Monday or Wednesday"

Holy Shit! He wanted to plan a date! Like a grown up! But only after humiliating me by first standing me up!
You see, Dear reader, he wanted to test me and toy with how badly I wanted the date. It wasn't enough to meet a live woman, he first had to destroy her self esteem by keeping her off balance with his timing, so she was never sure he would actually show up. How flattering!

He wrote "I was thinking we could talk on the phone a bit to get to know each other before we meet!"

Y'know... that is a great idea Wolfverine99! and you had that opportunity to for more than 10 days. You certainly do not need my permission to make the first call if I have already given you my number, you fucking idiot. Do not delay or I may lose interest...oops...I just did.
I waited 10 minutes and wrote "no thank you"
He quickly texted back: "Ok but are you still interested in keeping in touch and meeting?"
read: He literally could not believe that I was turning him down, when he still had months or even years of crazy-making games to harm me with.
I waited another 10 minutes and wrote "no thank you". A Rules Girl is always polite.
So in the end the answer was "No", this man could NOT take yes for an answer. Such a shame really.
Life is more fun when everyone knows The Rules.