Friday, April 15, 2011

Date # 47 and #48: And when the moment came...

My last year of high school was rowdy. Mostly because I went to a boarding school in Switzerland and the drinking age was sixteen. Things got kind of hairy towards June and so yearbook pictures became - for one reason or another- difficult to take because the students were difficult to track down. Students that did not show up for the photo forfeited their entry, and the yearbook committee decided - in their infinite wisdom - to simply print the name and the phrase "And when the moment came..." Nothing more. And we were left to wonder what might have been.

I did not get an accurate explanation as to why this phrase was chosen, mostly because I didn't ask, but I am reminded of it when I think about Date #47 and #48. It seems to perfectly chosen if you want to describe a person with a maximum amount of potential and a minimum amount of follow-through.

Date#47 emailed, got my number and called me on a Friday after work. He sounded very high strung but covered it by saying he was better in person than on the phone. Okay, I'll buy that. Of course, I was busy on Friday so he suggested that he call next week. He called the following Monday and suggested the going out on Thursday at 8pm and confirmed the he would find a place in my area. He was less high-strung but still very tense. I knew things were going south when he waited til 5pm on Thursday to call me to confirm the date. I was immediately sorry I had picked up the phone. He was so hysterically nervous it sounded like he had just snorted a bowl of cocaine floating in espresso. I say confirm but he still had no idea where we were going. As soon as I picked up you could tell that he wished I hadn't. He managed to ask if I was still up for going out that night, if he was trying to sound casual he failed. Then he made a bunch of noise to indicate he was "still at the studio" and would call me again to firm up plans. I do not have that kind of patience, Dear Reader. So I said the one sentence that acts like kryptonite to already-skittish men, I said very brightly, with a smile on my lips: "Okay, don't be late!"

For some reason, a man who hears these words will deliberately be late, or not show up. I hung up and wondered why he would spend all that energy hunting and none in actually meeting me. He called again later that night at quarter to 7 and I let it ring. He left a message asking me to call back and firm up plans...etc. Dud.

This potential suitor was a lot more promising. He had a great picture and direct, to the point message, he got my number, called me and left a message. Unfortunately, I was too eager to get him to ask me out for the coming weekend and I called him back. Uh oh. This is in direct contrast to what The Rules advise: which is NEVER call a guy that you haven't met in person. I called him and he picked up and we had a good conversation. He was normal and confident and 5 minutes passed quickly. He was one of those loud talkers who is always on the go. I have to admit that I was excited to meet him. He suggested either Thursday or Saturday and again I made a fatal error (one always leads to more, Single Girl). The Rules advise that when talking to man on the phone or in person and he asks a question, that before one answers a woman should pause, count to five silently and then answer in a breezy kind of way, like it doesn't really matter. Or better yet, when he asks you when are you free, say "I will have to see...".

Is this what I did? No!

I practically cut him off in mid-sentence and yelled "Saturday! I'm free Saturday!" and I suddenly felt the energy change, even through the phone. I tried to save it by saying "uhm...because I already have plans on Thursday". But I knew it was too late. He mumbled that he would call on Saturday to - you guessed it - firm up the details but we both knew it wasn't to be. Saturday came and went with no date. Someone did call my phone at 6pm with Blocked Number but whoever it was didn't leave a message so I went to a Burlesque show instead, but my heart wasn't in it.

Monday, April 11, 2011

JWOWW Is A Rules Girl

I was watching Jersey Shore and I could not believe my eyes, Jenni JWoww Farley had written a book?! About the Rules?!

Sadly, no, but she has written a book with her own rules and I needed to read this. She starts the book by writing the same thing that I have known for the past 2 and half years: a girl needs rules on the dating scene or she will just be swinging in the wind. Using my adorable kobo, I downloaded JWoww's book and started to read...

Right off the bat, JWOWW makes it clear that online dating is not for her. Well, neither is a college education apparently, so we will have to agree to disagree. She writes, "All you get from sitting around scrolling websites for love is dimples in your ass". A grammatically correct statement would read: "...are dimples on your ass", but who am I to split (fake) hairs? So I am left with nothing more than her dating and relationship advice. I say nothing more because these "rules" exclude the vast majority of the demographic given that they emphasis going to clubs, taking 3 hours to get ready for said clubs, working out at a professional boxing level and an enormous investment in non-surgical enhancements (i.e. hair extensions, eyelash extensions, nail tips, tanning, extensive waxing, etc...)

JWoww is literally obsessed with physical appearance, she has a narrow definition of it and spends more than one half of the book explaining it in the most excruciating detail. There is a strong emphasis on sexual prowess, endeavours and adventures in the bedroom. There is a constant running diatribe about getting yourself "out there", getting yourself laid and getting yourself to the local sex shop for more toys, outfits and materials to ensure that you keep getting laid...etc. This book is not for the faint of heart. But we have heard it before from every other 15 minute nympette and so it's...Boring.

JWOWW frames herself as modern-day Doris Day, for her sweet and innocent means being quiet in the presence of men and being virtuous means never bringing a man home directly from a club. By "waiting until [she is] 100% ready to have sex" she means she waits a few weeks. However, she is the typical schizophrenic female duality of: I am a virgin in the kitchen and nympho-whore-wild animal in the bedroom. In the book, she jungle swings between these two extremes with such volatility that I was dizzy. There is a breathless anticipation with regard to having sex that I had to remind myself we talking about the entire sexual history of a nice 25-year-old girl from the suburbs who used to be a tomboy. She mentions 3 previous relationships in her book and I imagine that must be the sum extent of her experience given how much she harps on it. In the front of the book, she describes her current boyfriend as "Perfection" and by the end of it, she dissing about how they have bad blood and can't get past a certain issue. This, when one of her own rules JW#28 advises to talk about trouble in the relationship. What?! I have never wanted a book to slow down before.

This book uses so much profanity that I was scared it would peel the paint off my darling kobo. She uses the F word liberally, refers to all women as "bitches" (even her friends) and every other slang word available for sex: banging, humping, scoring,...etc. After a while, I began to appreciate the sheer creativity of her swear words. Take this sentence for example,

under JW #56, subset 1 :[Make noise during sex] but not "weird noises". "He wants to be banging a wild animal - not a barnyard beast" . Dear Reader, what is the difference?

She is a poetess of the profane. Some of her most common sense rules include basic personal hygiene and human decency.

For redundency, see JW# 8: "Stop Drinking if You Vomit". Are you fucking kidding me?

Skip these parts, it's embarrassing that they even got published. However, given the level of vulgarity in the rest of the book perhaps this coarse audience needs these reminders. But then, they probably can not read either, so it begs the question Why was this published in the first place?

JWOWW professes a significant disregard for women to act "like their shit don't stink". She quotes this phrase no less than 8 times in the book. These women exist at the clubs, as girlfiends of other men, at work, at the beach and at the mall. It is sand in the tanning oil for our JWOWW. Her vulgarity was the same for me.

On one page she is reminding you to self-edit and this is good Rules advice, too; but she constantly reminds us that men will be "scared off" if we don't. The Rules advise keeping your dirty laundry to yourself to protect and maintain your dignity, a constant threat though out JWOWWs book is that if you do not self-edit men will be scared off. This threat of a retreating man looms so large in the book I began to be frightened that "juicehead gorilla nympho jerk-offs" would start running away from me in clubs if I put a foot wrong, too. The threat is a zero sum game. Men are completely intolerant to any errors, or they will run; genuine feelings mean nothing because the smallest slip and they will run. Between not acting like a women whose feces carries no aroma and not behaving in a way that will make a grown man frightened and run away from you in public, a girl could feel like she was under strict lock down.

It's not easy being JWOWW, and while that might be part of her charm, it is in direct violation of The Rules to exert yourself so for the sake of anyone, be it man or woman. JWOWW leans a lot on the theory of manipulation: be late for a date, jerk his chain, make-him-jealous tactics. The Rules never advise you to be a pain in the ass. Ever. Single Girl, never approach any situation with the intention of manipulating anyone. It's bad karma and since like attracts like, you will surround yourself with other manipulators or those who are easily manipulated. Not a good path. JWOWW is a scorned woman (she never shuts up about it) and feels this justifies her behaviour. It's not true, not even kind of true and JWOWW hardly has the life experience to justify making broad statements about be "hurt" in the first place. Dating a guy who doesn't own a BMW is hardly the end of the world. Stick to what you know: New Jersey.

JWOWW and The Rules do agree that you should not mention marriage or babies to men. That seems to be a universal truth. Go figure. In JWOWWs book, she does correctly indentify a "Fantasy Relationship", but she calls it a "hook up", as in "just to hook up" = a sexual relationship with no future. They also agree that you should try to look your best, stop talking, wait to have sex and stay safe. All good points.

JWOWW wins a couple of points with two things The Rules do not cover: Do Not Knock Yourself Off The Pedestal and Kiss His Mother's Ass. The first one is being good to yourself and the second requires being good to others. Both good advice. For the first point, I interpret her meaning as Do Not Insist on Being Self-Depreciating or Overly Modest. This is a common practice of successful women around less successful men. The short answer is, if you feel you have to dumb yourself down for a man, then it's not a real relationship...let it go (see Fantasy relationship, above). The second point is self explanatory.

I tried two of her five Tips for letting a guy know that you are interested. I was in the bar when I noticed a man looking at me. I twirled my hair and raised my eyebrows. He looked at me funny for a second but then I felt the energy change, in a good way. Maybe I wasn't supposed to do both at the same time, but I feel it got the message across in such a blatant way that it was right for a crowded bar. The man never walked up to me, though, so it wasn't a complete success.

As Scarlett O'Hara's mother says: It is normal to act young and be young when you are young. JWOWW reminds us that living like a mafia mistress can be good for your spirit. There is nothing inherently wrong with anything that she and the Jersey Shore cast do; but she is too young to be so jaded, so defined by the men around her and so dependant on plastic surgery. She thanks her plastic surgeon in the Acknowledgements and - most telling- she thanks the ex-boyfriends who "made me the woman I am today".