Friday, August 26, 2011

Date#50 - Rhymes With Fenk

This was my first eHarmony date. Well, almost.
The eHarmony method for online dating is called "guided communication" and it works like this: He wrote me pre-screened questions, then the personality stuff, then three pre-screened open-ended questions, then open mail. So until that point I really knew nothing about him. He sent 2 messages and then asked me for my number. He called me on Monday night for a Thursday night date. He had a high pitched, feminine voice and a strange name (rhymes with fenk).

I knew right away it was going end in madness because he started off by saying the one thing you should never hear from a prospective date: "I'm just at the airport and I'm about to catch a plane but I thought I would give you a call". I wonder if it is as awful to say as it is to hear. To all the men out there let me just say, my father invented "I've got to catch a plane". And he was an ACTUAL Aeronautical Engineer who worked for the Pentagon and then the CIA. But the result is the same. He was never available for anyone, not even himself. He died wildly successful but alone. But back to my date...

He said he was leaving on a Tuesday but returning Thursday and could we meet then? He mentioned meeting at 7:40 or 7:45. I found his time specificity strange but let it pass. He said he was open to coming out to my area. I repeated where I lived in the west end and he confirmed he could come out there. This part is important, Dear Reader, because it comes up again later. He said he'd call me Thursday to firm up plans. Thursday was a big day for me because I already had a quick party after work. That and this potential date warranted my very first blow out. So with perfect hair and perfect lips I waited with baited breath for his phone call.

And at 4:15 I got a text asking where I'd like to meet.
Now, two things are important to note at this juncture, Dear Reader. The first is that The Rules say it's okay for a man to book a day and time and not tell the location. This is from the days when men picked women up. The location is his responsibility (unless he specifically asks) and yours is to look cute. The second is a man must come out to see you. It's never okay for him to expect you to fend for yourself. Well, I did what any Rules girl would do and I texted that he should call after 5pm.
He indicated that he was on a conference call until 5:30 and could he call then? (warning# 1)
I said sure, and he called at 6:07pm. (warning #2)
I missed the call (Fate!) and called him back. The Rules say that you can only call back to confirm meeting plans. He said that he was finished his work day but he was going to go for a 30 min bike ride. (oh, am I bothering you? As if)
He asked where I wanted to meet and I said that I was still in the financial district if he wanted to meet downtown.
Well, No, he said. He was home now. Where else could I meet? (Please note, this is becoming dangerously close to me dating myself - warning #3)
I choose a Keg at the corner of 2 highways in the west end. Men from Niagara Falls have complimented this choice for it's convenient location.
There was a pause, and then...He asked if I drove. (Uh oh)
Well, he began, he wanted to meet somewhere closer; he was on the other side of the city, you see... and could I meet him... (he never mentioned a location) at 7:45?

For some reason, the oddly specific timing seemed funny to me. It was very obvious that he was trying to fit this "date" in before something else in his busy schedule, but after the bike ride. Stifling giggles I said, No. Given the circumstances, the location I mentioned was the most convenient for me. I simply could not make it anywhere else in the city in the time allowed. I felt like I was on a episode of "Minute To Win It". I mean, how many locations can this guy kibosh?
He got very angry, very quickly. (uh oh)
What do you mean? He asked angrily, "under the circumstances"?
Well, I gently explained, it was less than 1 hour to our "supposed" date and we had yet to choose a location.
He paused briefly and stated with an I'm-over-it attitude: "You know, I'm gonna pass" (he's gonna pass on a date that he didn't plan?). The idea that he was going to pass on a date that he had initiated again struck me funny and I began to giggle.
"Ok" I said and clicked off while he was still talking. Then I went back to the party I was already at.

It is important to note, Single Girl, that any man who would choose a bike ride over a potential date with a real live girl is already getting his pussy from somewhere. More to the point, he didn't want to meet me because he couldn't control me; because I wasn't at his beck and call. In both cases, I dodged a bullet.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Date#49 Competitive Men Choose Activity Dates

This man saw my dating profile on POF and he wrote me a couple of emails.
He asked me for a drink via online message on a Wednesday night and I accepted on Thursday. I strongly recommend that you do NOT do this, Single Girl, and keep to the three day Rule. Otherwise, it causes a mad rush of telephone calls that just end up being confusing and ill-planned. This is exactly what happened. His email was not specific and it was a question bulked in with a bunch of other questions...

Can I get your number? Yes.
Do you want to go for a drink this weekend? Not specific enough.
Do you have any other pictures? No.
...The best thing you can do in this case is politely decline with "Thank you but I already have plans" and hope he ups his game the following week.

Instead, I stupidly agreed and provided my number.
He immediately started texting on a Friday morning during work hours. Another bad sign. I ignored it (Single Girls Don't Text) and at 9:30 am he actually called me. I told him I was interested but that I was at work and could he call back after 5pm? I figured he would get all irritated like most men do when you point out they are not the centre of the universe and/or god's gift to women...but he surprised me by being quite apologetic and then said something that made me furrow my brows "I forget that most people are working right now". I let it slide and hung up. He texted again saying that I had a nice voice and repeated: "I forget that most people have regular"

Now, I know when I am being baited.
I just wasn't interested in him enough to ask what the hell he meant. He seemed eager to spill, so I'm sure he will bore me to tears with whatever story he wanted to tell on the date, provided he plans one. The ball was firmly in his court.

I promptly forgot about him and was walking up Spadina at 5:30pm listening to music when he called again. He broke all the cardinal rules of a proper dating-planning phone call:
He called from a outdoor concert. Too Loud.
He called when he was with friends. Too Insecure.
He called while drinking. Too Stupid.
He wanted to meet on Saturday and play some pool downtown. I said I preferred something closer to (my) home. He countered with "Let's go to Taste of the Danforth". I said I free on Sunday, not Saturday. He said 4pm. I said 8pm. He said that it closed early on Sunday. (This is a lie). I said"Fine. Where?" He mentioned a street corner...

Let me jump in here, Dear Reader, and explain something very important.
Never - under any circumstances - will you EVER agree to meeting on a street corner. There are the obvious reasons (i.e. safety, weather) and then there is the real reason. Taxi cabs do not even take requests from people who want to be picked up at street corners. If a cab company will not take that request, then neither will you. If the man can not find a pleasant establishment to meet you in, he is not the man for you.
I shot him down right there and then: "No. You have some homework to do. Research a spot to meet me at and then call me back. I am not meeting on a street corner." He got off the phone real quick.

Surprisingly, he called back the following afternoon and asked me to play pool downtown that night at 8pm. Nothing about this fit The Rules, so I stupidly accepted. I got there late due to traffic and parking. He was early because he walked there.

That is right, Single Girl, he choose a place that was convenient for him. No surprise there. He had been breaking my boundaries and exhausting me from the beginning, and it was right then that I realized he was competitive and controlling.
Him: I only want to play three rounds of pool, because after that I get bored.
I call this "putting a time limit"
It is a subtle way to control the date and make the other person aware that they are not in control. I made a mental note to end the date after 2 rounds of pool. Which I did. Just to fuck with him.
Him: I have a motorcycle.
Me: I have my motorocycle licence.
Him: But do you have a motorcycle? What's the use of a licence without a bike?
Him: I have a condo.
Me: I have a condo too.
Him: You have one but you don't live in it?
Him: I never want to go to Europe.

And right then and there I knew the date was dead.
I paused slightly with a pleasant smile on my face, thinking how I this would sound on my blog, and he must have felt he won because then he went for the attack:
Him: I haven't had time to memorize your profile but I think you went to 31 countries or something...yeah, I guess someday I will go to paaaahhhris or iiitttallly (dragging out the words in an insulting way) but I have just never been interested in Europe.
It was the equivalent of saying "I like to eat rotten food". I was immediately turned off. The unspoken threat was "I am undermining everything you have ever done/accomplished. I will never find value in the things that you like".

In conclusion: He had short man syndrome. See dictionary- Napoleon complex is an informal term describing an alleged type of inferiority complex which is said to affect some people, especially men, who are short in stature. The term is also used more generally to describe people who are driven by a perceived handicap to overcompensate in other aspects of their lives.