Monday, February 27, 2012

How to Be The Perfect Rules Date

I was happy to learn that I had male fans who read this blog. I was sad to hear that this blog merely re-inforced common sterotypes that men acknowledge already exist in their peer group. It’s the “If I’m not fucking it, it does not deserve my respect” attitude. It’s caused by a basic lack of decency. And it’s easily corrected if you have a rolled up newspaper...

While I cover how to get a date in “Here’s a Tip For the Fellas, too”, I did not cover what to do once you are in situ. Here - as a special (french) kiss to all my male readers - are tips for men on how to be the perfect Rules date:

You will either have planned the simple drinks date or asked for her suggestion on where to meet. Both is acceptable. Once you planned the simple drinks date, confirm it via text at about 4pm the day of. This is the only time I will tell you to text so use it carefully. A one-liner is fine “We still on for tonight?”. Do not use this as an opportunity to ask for pics or start a conversation via text. You are both nervous, this will just mess things up.
I find that newcomers to the online dating world will try and talk themselves out of a perfectly good date at the last minute. This will be the guy who starts asking weird questions via text and getting pissed off that he’s not getting answers. As you may know, I hate text messages at the best of times, but I would NEVER answer a chatty text right before the date. Mostly because I am busy getting ready, idiot. Newcomer then feels like he has the right to cancel the date. It results in: Now you are alone again. Don’t be that guy.

Show Up 15 Minutes Early
Barring certain disaster, a Rules Girl will not be a pain in the ass on a first date. She will be on time and she will only wait 5 minutes. The man who shows up early has the opportunity to make or break the date. Scope the room for the best spot. Sit down. Remove your coat, make friends with the waitress, order a glass of water or a whisky if you can drink it slowly. Use the washroom if you have to. Pull out your phone and check messages while you wait. When it comes to first impressions, you will look like a HERO for arriving early. Every woman appreciates a man who does not keep her waiting. Be That Guy.

Be In a Good Mood
Men do not smile anymore. We have a society of men who take this shit way too seriously. This is supposed to be fun. Let me break it down like this;
A simple drinks date will last less than an hour so be on your best behaviour.
Keep the conversation clean and the pace slow. Do not ask vulgar or sexually suggestive questions on the first date. Everyone knows what you want; you don’t have to say it out loud. That is the quickest way to creep a woman out. Don’t be that guy.
Take It Easy. Do not ask deep searching questions that require long answers. Sometimes when I am on a date I realize the man is trying to look for problems in my world, trying to figure out “what is wrong” with me. This is irritating and says more about the man than me.
I have said this before but it bears saying again: Whoever walks through that door may or may not be perfect for you, but if she isn’t then she may be friends with someone who is. Hint: Women know other women. If you are in the market to meet women then this is not a good time to start burning bridges.

Walk Her to Her Car
When the drink is done and the hour has passed, call for the check and walk her to her car if she lets you.
Do you want to really stand out from other men?
Show good manners and walk her to her car or to the bus or the subway stop. It is the number one things that girl mention after going on a date with a guy. I am dead serious. If you drove, then your car must be spotlessly clean and opening the car door never hurt, either. This is an ultra classy move that actually takes a bit of practice, so try it with your mother or sister and see the reaction you get. Make it habit and it will happen naturally when the moment is right. Be That Guy.

If you are interested and you are actually single, then call again in a few days to plan a real date (again). This one can be longer and can include dinner or a movie, but not an activity like rock climbing. Not even if you are both professional rock climbers.

Do not ask to be her Facebook friend. You are not her friend. Yet.

She will be busy so you may need to try her a couple of times.
Do not assume she is ignoring you. Do not get discouraged.

Be the guy that Does Not Get Discouraged.

If you are not single, that’s cool.
Wait until you are and then call her for that second date.
You do not need to explain yourself. If she is a Rules Girl then she will understand.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Date#59 - February 9

This man saw my profile asked for my number and sent me a text at 11:30am on a Monday morning. It was straight-forward, polite and got to the point immediately. I liked the tone of text so I got back to him at the dot of noon and we arranged a simple drinks date in record time. It was the most simple text conversation I have ever had with a stranger. As often happens, I receive a large volume of online messages between dates and I forget what my potential suitor looks like by the night of the date. I walked into my local pleasantly surprised by the man I met. For starters, he was already there. For lasters, he stood up to greet me and gave me a virtuous little peck on the cheek.

And he had already finished his first rum and coke. Uh oh.

I pretended like I couldn’t smell liquor on his breath and sat down while he ordered our drinks. His second and my first. He was nervous and began to rapid-fire question me. The Rules advise that a woman must set the pace for the relationship. I had to remind myself to breathe between answers. While a man certainly deserves honesty, he doesn’t need a long explanation on every issue within 10 minutes of meeting you. The way to thwart an oncoming alpha male attack is to break eye contact. Do not look around the room, this will further threaten him. Just demurely look down at your drink and smile gently. I had to do this a number of times to remind myself to slow down, and stop talking and gather my thoughts. This is especially true if you have any chemistry at all with a man. The human animal is built to telegraph this interest right away. This kills the mystery. Taking a moment to slow down the pace will avoid you laughing hysterically or too loudly in a quiet restaurant. I did find this man attractive and I felt myself answering far more than I ever intended. In short, he was exhausting me. Fifteen minutes had passed.

He visibly relaxed and ordered a third drink. He was raised out of town and as a result he had the open quality that people do when they are not raised in the city. This is totally a quality that I am looking for. He also had a restless, jittery quality that I am not.

Spoiler Alert: At the end of the date, he admits to being diagnosed as ADD when he was a child.

We talked about random things, including but not limited to very specific details about the area surrounding the bar we were in (?) and at exactly 30 minutes in he dropped his first f-bomb. At forty minutes, he had finished his third drink and asked for the check. He paid with a crisp $100 bill (which I haven’t seen someone pull out of their wallet since my grandmother was alive) and when I mumbled something about it, he replied “That’s just how I roll” with a glint in his eye. He slid me one of those candies that come with the check and asked when he could see me again.

If I didn’t know better I could have sworn he was doing a male version of The Rules. It was suddenly all so efficient. He certainly seemed to know how to close the deal. I told him that I was busy in the next few days (which was true!) but that he should call me. He said he would. He walked me outside and then tried to give me a kiss. Which I was not ready for.

So we tried again and had – without question – the world’s most awkward kiss. It was like his lips were numb (from alcohol?) and he could not move them to either close or open. I kept kissing his teeth. I have never had a kiss malfunction like that in my life.

Thank Goodness it did not last long. I darted away with a friendly, “Call Me!”

He did not walk me to my car. No kidding.

Full Disclosure:

Thursday, February 9, 2012

I love you, Sasha Grey

For those of you who don’t know…

Sasha Grey is a young woman from California who, at the tender age of 17 and a half, wrote a compelling manifesto about her beliefs regarding sex and womanhood as it related to pornography and her desire to work in the porn industry. She then mailed this letter to an agent outside LA and showed up shortly thereafter to work in the industry. She made her first movie on May 1 2006; she performed in 224 films for almost exactly 3 years and then promptly announced her retirement on Facebook. She has since started a band, had a recurring part on Entourage (which I have never seen) and posed in Playboy (which I have seen).

But let’s get back to the compelling part: She wrote about sex, sex on film, womanhood, feminism, about her likes and dislikes, her kinks, her perversions, how they related to her life and other people, what she was willing to do in the industry, what she was not willing to do, what she thought and what she felt. And I think she mentioned the word “consensual” in there somewhere. If you read her awards from her filmography, one of them reads “Orgasmic Oralist”. Now I fairly certain they made that word up (as related to fellatio) because if I haven’t mentioned it before, let me mention it now; I scored a near perfect on the SAT verbal and “oralist” in NOT in the dictionary (dick-shun-ary?). But it should be.

For you own interest I am re-posting this quote from her iMDb page:

I was born in Sacramento, CA and moved to LA when I turned 18 to pursue a career as a porn star. I grew up in North Highlands (a part of Sacramento). It is a disenfranchised, lower-to-middle class neighborhood. I never allowed myself to be a negative product of that environment. I used it as a source of inspiration to challenge myself. I began college in August of 2005, balancing school and work seven days a week. Around this time I started thinking about pornography as a career opportunity. I have a huge appetite for sex and self-exploration. I wanted to express my sexuality as a strong woman, to push my own boundaries and see which part of my psyche would take me to my next euphoric sexual experience. I wanted to do all of this in a sex positive way. Despite the controversy that surrounds this industry, I felt I could ultimately bring an enigmatic quality to it. I decided that if my instinct continued to push me toward the reality of this, and the dissatisfaction with my education continued, I would seize the opportunity on my own. I began my research that month, making my decision absolute in October 2005. On April 17th, 2006 I moved to LA, got tested at AIM and found an agent. I performed my first sex scene on May 1st, 2006 in The Fashionistas 2: Safado. Although I have come a long way since then, many people in society believe that I am a victim. I was not sexually abused. I am not on drugs. The acts I perform are always consensual. I am a woman who strongly believes in what she does - it is time that our society comes to grips with the fact that "normal" people (women especially) enjoy perverse sex. I hope to inspire people from all walks of life, and to collaborate with innovative individuals (bohemians welcome). Many people mistake this thought and believe that I desire all women to do porn and fuck like rabbits, ignoring all health risks. This is not what I preach or believe. Like any business, I take risks in my profession. Anyone considering porn as a career should be fully aware of these risks before jumping in. I am ready to take on any opportunities and challenges that face me as a woman, porn star, and artist.

Let the following be my personal love letter to Sasha Grey:


 I love you because you wrote about what you thought and felt and demanded that those thoughts and those feelings be taken seriously. I love that you were the one to use porn and not the other way around. I love that you recognized that you were sexually expressive. I loved that you acknowledged that you were unfulfilled. I loved that you looked for a different path that still managed to fulfill you as a woman and as an artist. I loved that you believed in what you did, while you were doing and moved on when other opportunities presented themselves. I love you because you dropped a lucrative career for something else. I love that you were open to change. I love that you were open to risks. I love that a man was not involved in this story. I love that you are not victimized. I think are absolutely correct in what you have produced as an artist. I look forward to what you continue to produce. I think you are inspiring. I see you as a role model.

And let the following be my personal love letter to myself:

Sometimes, as I write this blog, post my photos online, connect with men, allow them to call me, text me, date me and have (versions of) sex with me, I have the sense that I am getting attention for the wrong reason; I have the impression that some are attracted because they think I am doing something wrong, as though they are titillated by a perversion. I want those people to know that they are not the kind of people I want reading my blog. You don't get to have an opinion if you refuse to first understand my reasons.

I am telling you the truth because I considered it and then decided to do it. It quite literally pours out of me. I write this blog while on the phone at work. I type without looking at my hands. I do it as fast and as hard as I can because I am compelled to do so.

Not because I think I am funny. Although it's funny, right?
Not because I am trying to get published. Although that would be cool, too.
Not because of any reason you can think of…

Because I am driven to do it. My stories only make sense to me after I have finished writing them. I desire that clarity. I sincerely hope you find something that drives you as well.

I won’t always do this. Someday I will simply retire like my Sasha did. Someday I will simply change my mind. Because it’s just. that. easy. I haven’t made a pact with the devil because I am open to sex, sex toys, sex clubs and open relationships. I simply entered into this adventure with an open mind and have gone where it led me. So did Sasha Grey. I hope you have the courage to do the same in your life.

More than that, I find the anthropology of human sex behaviour endlessly interesting. I find my place in it a position of power (gasp). I am sick to death of how misunderstood both sides are. I love men! I want to understand them more. I think men feel as trapped by traditional gender roles as women do.

I am sicker to death of Christian websites that also say they love men, and that women need to somehow limit themselves in order to be better partners to men. See “Obedient Beauty” and “To Love, Honour and Vaccuum” for Christian housewives who have trouble fucking.

I have no trouble fucking. Sasha and I have this in common, too. And I want to be clear that if the shape of womanhood is so contrasted as to only include either Sasha Grey or a Christian housewife, then I would choose Sasha Grey each and every time without a moment’s hesitation.

Sasha Grey will be a guest DJ at My Apartment this Saturday in Mississauga.
I will be the sweaty geek outside trying to get an autograph.