Friday, August 28, 2015

The Boy Who Cried "Date!"

This almost never happens, Dear Reader, but occasionally I meet someone who is not emotionally or mentally healthy. By far, the vast majority of people I have met online dating have been really nice and normal but sometimes, and only sometimes, you get a wildcard. Someone who is so filled with misplaced rage and heartbreaking loneliness they can only lash out at those around them. Follow me as we track his descent into madness.

~~Here is the first email
On Aug 3, 2015, at 12:54 PM, BIG RED MACHINE wrote:

Hey [Elle],
I love that name by the way - what your real name Hun?
What city do you live in ? I live in mississauga - close to Trillium Hospital.
Can you please send me some more pictures of yourself as I'm very interested in getting to know you & possibly hang out sometime soon. I'll shoot you my cell phone once you get back to me with more pictures & of course if you want to text each other. I find it a lot easier to communicate, but on your time gorgeous as I don't want to push you into anything to quickly. 😉
I hope you had a wonderful long weekend - as I went up north to Wasaga beach (parents cottage). Good times. 😜
Well hope to hear from you soon sweety,

This email is great, actually. He is excited to meet me and shares key facts about himself. The BIG RED FLAG (get it?) is that he is moving at a pretty fast clip. He's calling me 'Hun' and 'Sweety'; the official moniker of poor white trash, telling me where he lives without my asking and making sexual advances (redacted). He also sent a bunch of pictures of his face. He had written so belatedly after talking to me online that I didn't remember how I had 'met' him. That question formed the basis of my first response email but I was still open to meeting for a drink.

~~Here is his second email

On Aug 3, 2015, at 5:34 PM, BIG RED MACHINE wrote:

Hello Elle,
Thanks for replying back to me, and as for your rules & regulations about not texting that's cool. I don't see any harm in sharing a few pictures here and there, but I'm definitely not shredded like I used to be when I played Junior Hockey.
I'm a confident & good looking, so I don't have any problems getting woman - just lately finding the rite one seems to have me challenged a tad. I'll just have to take your word for it - that your pretty.
I would definitely love to meet up with you sometime for a drink - where would you like to go ?
I live in Mississauga near Trillium Hospital - where abouts do you live ? City is good enough for me Elle.
My days / evenings are very flexible, so you name the place / date / time either tomorrow or Wednesday - I will be sure to meet you there !
Can you give me a brief description of yourself at least ?
Talk soon,

~~Here is his third email
On Aug 4, 2015, at 6:07 PM, BIG RED MACHINE wrote:

Hey Elle,
Yes we did meet on AM, but my status is single - I have been single now for over a year. My last relationship was 9 years, and it ended off us being just friends - we are still friends to this day, but no Sex obviously ! She has moved on & I am happy for her - hence myself being on a dating site. I will have to take your word for you being Cute - as I once met another girl online & she turned out to be completely different. I am very proud & confident the way I look, and am not imbarrased to show it ! Lol. Believe me sweety I ain't scared of anything & definitely not gonna be afraid of a so called cutie like yourself ! :)

Do you Horses ? Maybe we can meet at woodbine racetrack ( it's a public place with drinks & food there as well ). Say afternoon around 12pm - 1pm ish ? The horses are running live I'm sure on Saturday & Sunday during the day. Unless you have another place in mind that you'd like to go - don't matter to me, but Saturday should work for me.
What do you think of my pictures ?
Talk soon,
Ps. Just made some homemade pizza - I like to cook. 😀💃💋🏃😉

Admittedly, there is a lot going on here. It's important to note that he considers Ashley Madison a "dating site". He plans an amazing date but one more suited to a couple who already know each other. I would never lock myself into an 'activity' date with a perfect stranger. Hell, I won't even agree to have a dinner with a new person; a quick drink, that's it! He's also filling in a lot of unasked details that I could do without. I respond that I am available for a quick drink 8pm Saturday.

My fave quotes from this email: 'Do you Horses?' and 'imbarrased' and his random capitalization.
~~Here is his fourth email

On Aug 5, 2015, at 1:13 AM, 
Lmao, not complaining - but I love your assertiveness !
That's cool - if we do like each other we can head over to do an activity date some other time ! Lol
I love it - your pretty cool so far ( I kinda like a woman who takes charge - or at least attempts too !:)
The [restaurant] sounds great ! Let's confirm via email say on Friday evening sometime - just in case something comes up for me at work. I run my own business & myself & my crew are on call 24/7. $
Have a good rest of the week,
Ps. Don't worry about the pic - I'll just go with my gut feeling about you !
Pss. What's your background ?

Good! The date is booked and he is sounding a little more balanced. I have no idea what he considers 'assertive' but I ignore it. I tell him my background.

~~Here is his fifth email 

On Aug 8, 2015, at 2:55 PM, 

Good afternoon Elle,
My father was born in Germany & My mother was born in Malta.
They met in Toronto & got married here - very cute story maybe I'll explain it to you one day.
I have some bad news Hun - I can't make our Saturday meet for drink date. I left to Wasaga Beach last night for a couple weeks, summer holidays was much needed. I'll definitely send you some pictures though of me on the beach !
I hope all is well for you & I will contact you when I arrive back into the city.
Take care,

*sound of giant record scratch*

Whoa. What's happening? He's …now…on vacation? This guy moves really fast! Almost as fast as a horse with its tail on fire!

So, my first thoughts are relief. I had figured that date would implode on its own and it did. What catches my attention as possibly offside is his desire to declare Wasaga Beach as the vacation capital of the world. It's a lovely beach frequented by highschool students in the spring, families during the week and motorcycle gangs in the evenings and on weekends. So… you can have it because it's not my class of people. I reply asking that he does not contact me.

~~Here is his sixth email

On Aug 17, 2015, at 3:42 PM, BIG RED MACHINE wrote:

Hey Elle,
I hope your past 2 weeks was nice ! Mine was amazingly busy spending lazy days on the beach & sucking back ice cold drinks - while eating deliciously made BBQ's almost every night! It's been very humid up north here in Wasaga Beach, and I'm sure it's been horrendous down in the dirty polluted south city ! Lol
Well I'm gonna be staying a few more weeks - as I'm loving it way too much up here !! Nothing missed in the city ! Lol
Take care & I'll email you when I get back - maybe you'll re-consider our date night.
Talk soon,


But, No! He insists on contacting me! Now it goes without saying that I already had my summer vacation: two weeks in a luxurious resort in Costa Rica but I am not one to brag. And if anyone is doing the math, this message was sent 9 days later, not two weeks. Bro is so dumb he can't tell time.

My fave quotes from this email: That a person can be both 'amazingly busy' and 'spending lazy days'.

UPDATE: I warned this man that if he kept annoying me, I would post his shit to my blog. He wrote back "Your Cute, LMAO".

A few days later he messaged me on Ashley Madison. As promised, here is his profile...

Thursday, August 20, 2015

A Field Guide to Men on the Internet

The Handsome Badboy
This is the guy with the 3 shirtless photos. One will be of him shirtless holding a beer, one will be of him shirtless by the pool with a bunch of bikinis and martinis, and one will be of him shirtless wearing sunglasses and ball cap, frowning, probably posed on a Japanese motorcycle in his parents driveway. This man will have an inbox full of offers from eager young ladies, a phone that never stops ringing from his real-life girlfriends and the only relationship he really cares about is the one he has with his bros. If he sends you a message – and that's a pretty big IF - it will be along the lines of 'nice tits wanna fuk'.


How He Will Capture Your Heart: He will treat you like shit, ignore you in person then booty call you in the middle of the night and for some reason that will give you 'butterflies'.

How To Capture His Heart: Don’t respond to his messages. If a response is absolutely necessary, just text 'k' several hours later to whatever bullshit he scribbled while racing in his friends souped-up Honda. He won’t really remember you or your interactions, so your vagueness will seem mildly soothing (think: Paris Hilton vague). He will be comforted by the fact that you are putting in as little effort as he is; after all, he is not deliberately trying to hurt you. He's just really, really selfish and doesn’t see you as a person the way his dog is obviously a person.

%Chance of a Authentic Emotionally Mature Relationship: 0%

The Successful Corporate Divorced
This man has his shit together. He will have exactly one picture of himself looking like a GQ model in a suit. He works out obsessively. He has a successful job that eats up 60 – 80 hours a week, a gorgeous condo on the water decorated with just the right about of Buddha heads and electronic equipment, and super-accomplished ex-wife who used to be a supermodel but gave it up to get a PhD in Public Medicine where she assists women in third world countries attain adequate prenatal care. She's honestly a beautiful saint. And you know about her because he uses his real name and his work email address. This comes off as emotionally available to intimacy-starved women on the internet who quickly google his Linked-In profile and overlook his outdated marriage announcements on Facebook. It doesn’t occur to you to ask why he let such a catch get away, or why she is now happily re-married or why he is still single.

Best Season: Fall, you won't interfere with his golf game and it's before Christmas and tax season.

How He Will Capture Your Heart: On paper this man is fucking fantastic. You can imagine a seamless transition from dating to marriage to happy family for this presidential candidate of your heart. In person he will leave you cold. He will have strange sexual preferences that you really aren't comfortable with, leaving you bruised and confused. He will constantly be re-scheduling dates, leaving you drunk, pretty and alone at the bar of all the city's finest hotels. For some reason, you will tearfully insist to your girlfriends that this gives you 'butterflies'.

How to Capture His Heart: Be fucking accomplished. Win awards for Top 20 under 20 and Top 30 under 30 and … well, he would never date anyone older than 30, so you can stop there. He's already had a doctor, so you better be a lawyer or in politics, anything that doesn’t compete with his industry and forces you to be perfectly coiffed (read: waxed) at all times. Fame is the same as Accomplished to this man, so being known as a partygirl/ socialite/ trainwreck will also satisfy his vanity.

%Chance of a Authentic Emotionally Mature Relationship: 10-15%, pending you satisfy all the other qualifications. Be prepared to provide a resume and three valid references.

The Old Guy Who is Really Good at Sex
This is the still-shredded ex-police detective, ex-firefighter or ex-structural engineer that is asking you to take a chance on him. He has a couple of pictures, usually one with a dark tan taken on vacation and one on his boat wearing a captain's hat like Hugh Hefner. He is a widower with grown children in successful relationships who are thriving. They will never hear about you. He is currently living the retirement of your dreams, just 30-40 years too early. This is what happens to Handsome Badboys who wake up in time to make all the right choices.

Best Season: Winter, when he vacations in the sunny south for four months of the year.

How He Will Capture Your Heart: For girls with abandonment issues surrounding an absent father, this man will win your heart by being emotionally available and unbelievably thoughtful. He will ask you about your day as he pours you a drink. He will pride himself on being a genuinely good lover. His bedside table is empty save for a book on improving love relationships through better communication. The testosterone coursing through his veins will have subsided to a dull roar and he will be solely concerned with your orgasm. He will make love to you slowly over many hours, never asking anything in return. After your third full body orgasm he will cuddle and chat with you. He will remember everything you tell him, including everything you tell him about your friend's, co-workers and your favorite TV shows. He will PVR these shows and curl up on the couch with you until it's time to go. He never gets bored.

How to Capture His Heart: You already have.

%Chance of a Authentic Emotionally Mature Relationship: 0%, but it will be a great learning experience and you will part as friends. You will look at this time as a turning point to everything that comes after.

The Catch
This man will be tentative and quiet. His picture is fairly straightforward and his profile is slightly boring. He is not at the top of his career, but knows what that looks like and is actively pursuing it everyday. He is well-regarded in his industry and has a small circle of loyal, long-term friends who all have stable mature relationships. The emotional baggage tied to his family is firmly stored. He is average-looking but becomes more good-looking as you get to know him. He is interesting but he also listens to you without interrupting while making eye contact. He doesn't pick fights with you. He will have a clear, calm view of what he is looking for out of a relationship. He will stand up to a Trainwreck. He will be on your side, right or wrong. He believes in a higher power and cares about the environment. He plans activities that don’t only occur at night.

Best Season: When you aren’t looking for a boyfriend.

How He Will Capture Your Heart: He will make you laugh.

How To Capture His Heart: Be yourself. Have boundaries.

%Chance of a Authentic Emotionally Mature Relationship: This depends entirely on you and your ability to recognize what is happening and meet it with an open heart.