Friday, May 4, 2012

Magical Sex Ninjas

New Canadian slang (ma-GIK-hal secks nin-JAHS)

1. an imaginary creature that haunts the nightmares of women concerning the fidelity of their boyfriends or husbands
2. The false belief that certain women can control a man’s behaviour using a variety of increasingly creative sex acts.
3. The false belief that sex is enough to support a healthy marriage at the exclusion other important factors.

When I was growing up, I did not develop early; I had a very skinny body and I liked reading. I did not have a popular sibling nor did not have a lot of money or an exciting hobby. As a result, I was not popular or well-liked by large groups of people; and I am old enough now to be grateful for that. More importantly, I was not taught at an early age that I was only valuable for the pleasure I brought a man. If he liked me, it was probably because I had a nice smile; I had braces. Twice. And five teeth removed. And head gear. When it was all over I had pretty straight teeth. People still comment on it, as in, mothers point at my teeth in the grocery store and say loudly to their children “See? She had braces and look at how straight her teeth are!” The children just glare. I can not imagine my parents trying to convince me to get braces. If they paid for it, then it was happening even if I had to be chained to orthodontist chair to do it. (That only happened once). The lesson I learned there was, kids are mean.

But by the time I was ready to enter high school I did have something that people seemed to be interested in. Remember that skinny body and ultra straight teeth? Well, it may come as a shock to you but modeling agencies have an interest in children who possess those features and I was in commercials and used as a movie extra before I turned 13. I had an ACTRA card and everything. This world was very strange. First, the adults were all men and incredibly pissed off; they encouraged you NOT to eat despite the tables groaning with food, not to play with the dog despite how cute he looked and they all smoked. It was just adults in total power and children fending for themselves. No one told us what to do unless you were in trouble, otherwise you just guessed. You had to stay jolly despite being cold and it raining for hours, or else your part was given to someone who was “happier”. The lesson I learned there was, people are mean but an outgoing personality is everything. I stopped accepting offers because the person who was supposed to drive me suddenly disappeared out of my life and no one wanted to take their place. In retrospect I find it strange that everyone was so willing to give up what was - in fact - my first paying job. But everyone acted like it never happened and so I bid a fond farwell to the “acting world” and went to high school…

Finding a man you would actually want to have sex with is fun. Finding out he would like to have sex with you is exciting. Not just mentally stimulating, but it makes your heart beat fast and your legs tingle if you think about it long enough. It’s a serious high and being high makes people want to talk. The only problem is, if fucking isn’t your full time job then there is sometimes a desire to seem more skilled than necessary when you finally do start having sex with a man. And the way to convince people you are an expert is to talk about it. (Right?) Welcome to High School. At every high school there are those girls. The girls who had guys who wanted to fuck them. The girls who proclaimed loudly (at my Catholic high school) that they were taking birth control to prepare for the Sex Olympics.

Yes, that’s right; at my high school sex was an Olympic sport.

They sat in a perfumed coven at the back of the classroom and made endless sex jokes at 8:30am in first period history and high-fived each other. Every. Single. Time. And from their conversation, they had clearly invented the act. They redefined it. They swung from the chandelier while oiled up with party hats on their tits and their kilts up to their waists. Ok, I made the last part up but that is what they would have you believe. They were my first introduction to magical sex ninjas.

With fake nails and brilliant blue contact lenses, artfully bleached hair and dark golden tans, these girls frightened me. They were full grown women; as completely sure of their place in society as wives and mothers; so exquisitely jaded. While it is common now to see these women on reality shows today, at the time (read: in 1997 the year cell phones hit the Canadian market) they were quite literally aliens. I felt like they should attend different classes than me because nothing I was learning would ever be applicable to their strange world. They were on a first name basis with their mothers. They had prescriptions for valium for “stress”. They laughed about buying fur coats “by mistake”. They went “clubbing” on the weekend (I term I had never heard before). They already knew complex games of sexual politics; who to sleep with to make another jealous, or to make another want them back and how to improve their position through choice of sexual partner. I had so little in common with them, it was laughable. Furthermore, I wanted nothing to do with them because I didn’t take them seriously. I couldn’t see how in the world anyone could. It was my first introduction to men and their desire to see something extraordinary, rather than authentic. It was a valuable lesson.

Magical Sex Ninjas believe that ~ like the courtesans of Renaissance Europe or the harems of the Aga Khan ~ they are skilled in the ways of seduction. That they possess secret skills that not only arouse men, but make him vulnerable to her every whim. The important thing for us regular girls to know is that these skills are secret. They can’t tell us about them, can’t tell us where they learned them, it’s just really really important that we believe they exist and that someone else (not us) has mastered them, and that we never, ever will. The irony is that the younger the magical sex ninja, the more magical in sex the ninja will believe herself to be. In the same way there seems to be an inverse relationship between how attractive a man is, and how dirty his porn is. An ugly man will want a perfect 10 model to kiss him on the lips; a handsome man will want the ugly man to go down on him. Go figure.

For all the accomplishments in our civilized society, we do not have an even playing field between youth and beauty and everyone else. This imbalance is more pronounced if you add sex to the scale. As a result, young girls wield an enormous amount of power when it comes to negotiating sexual terrain, and yet they remain the most exploited. The ones that do not believe they are worthy of love. Strange, yes? But let me be clear, there is no such thing as a magical sex ninja. There are just girls who allow themselves to be victimized. You are behaving like it is the only worthwhile part of you. You are giving it away to the lowest bidder. Men don’t have a chance to undermine you; you have already beaten them to it. I think you believe that the word “tits” is the magic word, instead of please and thank you. Please believe me when I say: I’m so tired of hearing you say it that I inwardly groan. No one takes you seriously.


  1. I'm the first comment? I find that hard to believe, given that there is so much here to comment on. Maybe people are intimidated. Or pissed off. Or maybe they're just lazy, as it seems the whole internet has given up commenting. But I digress.

    Some of the most wounded people I know are Magical Sex Ninjas whose schtick wore off and left them suddenly alone and confused in early middle age, wondering what the hell happened. I keep thinking there ought to be some kind of training for attractive girls to teach them to wield their attractiveness like a weapon to get what they want, all the while making backup plans for when their attractiveness fades. I'm not saying whore yourself out - I'm saying that they need to learn the awesome power of female attractiveness and how to leverage it, because it is one of the most valuable and transitory things on earth.

    1. Without question, I would love to hear more from women of a certain age who can comment on the entire life cycle of a magical sex ninja! What happens after age 33?

  2. Stunning writing chops. I was a sexual outcast for many reasons during adolescence (we'll not discuss why I didn't shave my legs). I took turns envying the magical sex ninjas for the male attention I didn't get and feeling sorry for them because they were so desperate to be desired that they never discovered the substance of self-respect.

    They frightened me, too, and young women are becoming increasingly sexually self-aware at younger and younger ages, leading me to wonder how the mundane sex outcasts (such as we were) among them manage not to get eaten alive by the social pressures bearing down on them.

    I don't know how you managed to weave humor into this serious topic. Bravo for doing it with success!


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