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| "I LOVE KIDS!" |
When I was 30 years old, I had to
face the fact that Vogue magazine was no longer aiming towards my demographic.
The book that I had slavishly devoted my allowance and paycheque to month after
month year after year had abandoned me in favour of 14 year olds. Which was a shock
because when I was 14 the magazine was devoted to cool 30 year olds who filled
the pages with reminiscences of their fascinating lives well-lived to that
point. These articles, these pictures, their memories, these women literally
formed my overall world view of what women could be and achieve by drawing upon the
past and being open to the opportunity of the future. They were professionals
who had married into European royalty and women who were using their family’s money
to create a better world. They were arcane writers and actresses with actual
talent or a bonafide education or a resume that was longer than 6 months or a
combination of all three (the original triple threat). They were happy, they
were healthy, they were hippies and I'd like to know where the hell they went.
Suddenly, because it felt sudden, the magazine began to feature women I had
never heard of, who themselves had barely heard of Vogue, who had only been
famous for fifteen minutes and who Vogue wanted me to believe were some sort of
acting savants, ready to redefine the medium. It's ironic that they all were
tall, blond and skinny. It's sad this went unmentioned but not surprising.
Vogue used to be the place that questioned whether Taylor Swift would be as
successful as she is, if she looked differently than she does. (Read: The
Pinkprint deserved a Grammy)
I don't read Vogue anymore. My
first Rolling Stone featured Prince. I don't read Rolling Stone anymore after
they put a man I had never seen before on the cover. I later learned his name
was "Clay Aitkin". That wasn't helpful because I don't choose my
music using a game show. I don't read Cosmo anymore because I've already
mastered all the sex maneuvers I wanted to in this life. I don't read the
paper anymore because I don't have that kind of time and I have never purchased
a tabloid, so I'm not going to start now.
But if you want to learn how to
write a female celebrity profile, here's a step by step guide featuring all you
need to know:
1. Put objectivity aside and start
the article with a long boring paragraph detailing your various preconceived
misconceptions about the subject, while still outlining the ways in which you
are a true blue fan girl before the next paragraph where you actually meet the
person and they turn out to be "so down to earth". This keeps the
article seemingly relevant while not upsetting the people who purchased the
magazine in the first place.
2. Ask a softball question about the
really tough, "preconceived misconceptions" the subject faces. This provides an
opportunity for the subject create an agenda for the interview without seeming
like they are hijacking the piece. For example, "a perceived misconception
about me is that I am angry at X when really we are the best of friends!"
The subject will "prove" this by showing a few key instagr.am
pictures to the author that will not be published in magazine, keeping your
reader hungry enough to buy more information about the subject. Excellent
tie-ins include referencing a favourite charity or foundation to combat just
this issue which will help to fatten this article about nothing. Please note,
the charity cannot be a regular non-profit like The Red Cross or Juvenile Diabetes,
it must be new and have no real paperwork or background. Bonus points for extra
obscurity if it helps children in a different country and uses the word 'gluten'.
Never never never mention prisons. Not even women's prisons. Not even if they
are in America.
While Pope Francis may have named 2016 The Year of Mercy, don't get it twisted.
Mercy does NOT sell stuff.
3. If the subject is white, focus
on how they rejected their privileged upbringing to become a true artist in
their own right (see Lady Gaga, Lena Dunham). If the subject is non-white,
include an exhaustive genealogy to illustrate the exoticness of the subject's
beauty which by its very nature is too difficult for the average person to
comprehend or obtain (see Johnny Depp, Rashida Jones).
4. Never ask about the mother but
the grandmother is fine. The subject will invariably describe her being
"cute, strong, a great role model, funny" regardless of whether she
is alive or dead. Include a black and white picture.
5. Talk about food and the newest
diet craze. It is imperative that you include the subject saying "I love
to eat!" and follow up with a cute anecdote about what a disgusting pig
they are sometimes when they eat. This will make the subject more relatable to
other lady brains. Bonus points if the subject wants to be seen as a cooking
or baking "maven" and include some ridiculous recipe that sounds
stupid on paper but the subject "swears by" to increase their
beauty/lose weight (see Gwyneth Paltrow, goop).
6. Talk about bullying. It is
imperative that you include the subject saying "If people like me that's
great, and if they don't that's okay too. I
don't care what people think".
7. Follow up this
really abrasive feminist manifesto with something fun like the subject's new
fashion line. It doesn't matter that the last fucking thing the world needs is
MORE cheap plastic clothes, the subject will - without question - "have
their own line"'. You actually don't even need to ask the subject the question,
just google it afterward because it's a given. Be sure to include that this
fashion line solves some problem that had not yet been addressed in human
history. Allude to the fact that the subject might be a design genius and
superior than the author (read: your readers) in every way. Don't forget to
include that some percentage of the profit's are directed toward the subject's
"charity", creating a very effective tax evasion scheme (gloss over
this using a words like "give back", "sustainable",
"global warming" and "social responsibility").
8. Briefly cover
the subject's personal relationship. Coy answers will be given and are
preferred. End the paragraph re-affirming that a man will never define the subject,
that she is an independent woman and how much her man loves that about her.
9. The interview
should end with the author wishing it could have lasted longer, with a sad air
of longing and abandonment because they have become such fast friends with the
subject. The subject must rush off because they are so busy like Cinderella at
the stroke of midnight and the author is left imagining the bright future the
subject will enjoy. This will include political aspirations, a multitude of
awards and the perfect marriage. Feel free to editorialize.
If you are
mistakenly assigned a male subject to interview, please rigorously adhere to the
following steps:
1. Ask detailed
and well-researched questions about subject's current project.
2. Ask detailed
and well-researched questions about the subject views on his industry as a
whole and what he forecasts for the future.
3. Include an
exhaustive list of beautiful women he has slept with. Get him to confirm the
numbers, dates and positions then subtly indicate how this devil-may-care
attitude makes him very successful in business using anecdotal evidence.
When Vogue stopped caring about me,
I switched to Playboy. It was way more informative. It still had all the sex maneuvers
and quizzes like Cosmo, it was streets ahead of the tabloids and the articles
were better than anybody. I literally read it for the articles. They didn't
deal in makeup like Vogue does but, then again, who cares when you've got so
many naked chicks?
Oh, wait...
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